Bright colors are not evil. And you know it.
January 28, 2010 at 11:28 PM | In EYE believe | 2 CommentsTags: color, love
I would love to paint the world with bright colors for all to see. I see no reason we should be ashamed for having bright colors in our lives. Bright colored hair is something to fear and dislike, because it’s not “normal”. Bright colored cars are not sought after either. I know there are the lovely bright reds and yellows out there. What happened to a good grass green? Or a beautiful solid dark purple? There are all so many beautiful colored clothing, yet we all wear blue jeans of khakis. Why do I feel awkward in public when I wear a solid pastel pink shirt, a long blue patterned skirt and a dark red knitted hat? Sometimes we color the inside of our houses to quench our hunger for bright and vivid colors. We buy all the colorful appliances and machines to fill up the colorful rooms. Yet our outsides are mundane tans, and tired grays and lackluster yellows. Why? Why do we do this? What is so shameful about color? Is it our fear of being different? What happened to individuality?
I love color. When I got (get) a new box of crayons I always try to use all the colors very shortly after I open it. I have to experience each color and make sure none of them are under-appreciated. When I have a house I would love to paint beautiful colorful murals on the OUTSIDE of the house for everyone to see. I will have colorful sculptures in the lawn. I want everyone to embrace and love the many colors this world offers. Not hide them in boxes.
I want everyone to appreciate what some people can’t see. Not just those whom are blind, but those who are color-blind as well. How sad for our hearts and imaginations to not be able to see the beautiful shades of oranges, purples, blues, pinks and yellow that happen at a sunset.
How can you explain a color to someone who can not see it? I am quite happy that I will have color memories when my sight is gone. I play with pigments themselves to make paintings. I play with color. I have a hard time making paintings though because of my love for color. I want every color in it. I don’t want to stick with a theme. I want to show every detail so every color can be seen. I’m beginning to understand abstract art. It’s about the color’s themselves, the feeling of the colors, the movement of the colors.
On all those lovely philosophical notes, I died my hair pink again. It’s been 3 1/2 years since the last time I did it. I missed it. I missed the vibrant color. My natural color is okay in it’s own way but it’s not how I want to convey myself. I love colors and I want to share that love.
Pay more attention to the colors pink and blue in this picture and less to the shower curtain itself. The bathroom has the best lighting for pictures.
Enjoy more colors while you can.
Where has the time gone?
January 19, 2010 at 11:13 AM | In EYE believe, Preposterous Ponderance | 2 CommentsTags: angsterbation, eyes, family
Three months later, apparently. I’m quite certain I was consumed by knitting Christmas presents and planning a couple of trips and now a new member of the family. We now have a beautiful kitty named Hope.
We did a whirlwind trip for Christmas. We drove back to Casper, Wyoming on Christmas Eve to surprise our families. My father-in-law was in on it. We had to bring him in on the surprise as we were sure they were planning on doing that to us and we might have passed each other on the interstate. This was the first long trip we made without me being able to drive. I normally don’t help with the drive, however it was nice knowing that I had the ability to do so.
My Mom got to see a little more of how I need to be led around when there is low-light. Navigating driveways and parking lots covered in ice and snow and under low-light was so difficult. However, I have an awesome husband who has been holding my hand and elbow showing me the way. I weigh a lot more than him and I worry when I fall I’ll hurt him as well. He’s assuring me that won’t happen.
New Year’s Eve we spent mostly driving up to Madison, Wisconsin for our friend’s party. It was great seeing everyone again. We talked and talked and played board and card games. It was a lot of fun. I managed to not hurt myself getting to the bathroom and back to the room I was staying in.
You can have the cleanest floors, the widest hallways, the widest doorways and I will still bump into them. I am covered in mystery bruises and scrapes that I don’t remember how they get there. I know I bruise easily so any brush, bump or whack into something and then I have a reminder.
I had such a wonderful time on both trips and I know that I sound pretty negative about certain things. This is how I live. I have no idea how to be positive when the day is ripe with obstacles.I’ve always been a glass fully empty person. It’s not even half-full. My father has pointed out before how I only remember the bad times. He’s completely correct.
It’s very difficult for me to see the shining good things while I’m allowing the bad things to be large black blots over them. I know there are wonderful things in my life. I’m married to a man who is pretty amazing, patient, helpful, understanding and tolerant. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who loves me. I have opportunities to learn and live the way I want to. However, this are all hidden by something. My inability to drive, to see everything, to go anywhere I want to. I even use my weight as an excuse. I’m very good at labeling myself a lost cause.
I’m the only one who can change this. I’m aware of what needs to change but I’m unable to actually do it and stick with it. I have the best of intentions but the worst of motivation. I’m lucky if I am able to tell myself to close a bag of snacks before I finish the entire thing.
I have a little glimmer of hope that is in a package oddly named Hope. We didn’t name our cat, but it’s fitting. I could watch her for hours, even when she’s asleep. She’s been a brat every once in a while but I know she’s just learning her surroundings and where she can go and can’t go. She also is nocturnal so it’s trying when I’m trying to sleep and she’s clambering all over the room. We’ve had her almost a week and I’m already in love with her. There’s nothing like a purring cat curled up in your bed, whether it’s on your back, chest, side, hip, or feet.
Here she is:
I have more pictures of her and from my trips on my facebook.
I am going to the regular eye doctor Feb 6th and will see how much my prescription has changed and how coke bottle-like my glasses will have to be. I’m also going to inquire how close my left eye is to being legally blind. I would really be surprised if I’m far away from that point still.
Hope everyone had a great holiday season.
2 days of clouds. A while back.
October 16, 2009 at 4:29 PM | In AWEsome Sights, EYE believe | Leave a CommentTags: clouds, eyes, nature, support
The day time ones were from around a month or so ago. There was an air show nearby and you could hear them flying around. This was the first time I couldn’t pinpoint them in the sky. My far vision is going away. Some, if they are close enough, I could make out a black blob or a faint blob. I couldn’t make out wing shape or detail of any kind.
However, the sky was gorgeous. The perfect shade of blue sky with big puffy huggable pristine white clouds. The cool breeze was just right with the not-too-hot temperature. It would have been a great day for sailing, or walking on a beach, or watching the sky while the car was getting refueled. I at least was doing the latter.
The blue in the center of this next photo, I think, is my absolutely favorite shade of blue. Just perfect.
Another day, probably a couple weeks ago, my husband once again called me to look outside at the rising sun. Here are the pictures from that stormy morning.
This is the view from my bedroom window. Pardon the glaring brightness that is the hospital across the street.
Then I took one straight up from my window. Great swirling purples!
Then as the sun came up a bit more and the clouds started thinning. The cloud looked like a great dragon or loch ness monster swimming through the sky.
Eye update: I’m on a heavy dose of diuretic pill to get the fluid to break up faster and not cause more damage. I get pins and needles in random bits of my body from time to time because of it. Sometimes it will be just the heels of my feet, or just the arches. Sometimes it will be the back of my hand, or my top lip. I have to be careful how I sit on the floor because I’m more apt to put my legs to sleep and have a longer more painful pins and needles time as the blood flows back in. My left eye is not happy at all. I’m constantly looking through vaselined crystalline glass. A larger portion of the world is gone in that eye. I notice that I’m not using that eye as much. My right eye is doing quite a bit of work. My left is just there to give me a bit of depth perception. I was covering up my right eye a few times to see if I could work on my left eye, maybe force it to focus better. I was not a happy camper after that. Nice strain headache and the eye hurt from strain as well.
Something I’ve been curious about, how many people who are of low-vision or blind are actually on disability? I’m not sure I’m far gone enough to claim it and I’m not sure I want it. I would more want it for my husband and any children I might have one day.
I also think I might need to find some sort of counselling or support group that I can go to because I know I’m not getting anything but five minutes of time from my retina specialist per visit. I’m interested in finding people close to my age going through the same thing as I’m sick of the waiting room of said retina doctor. I’m usually the only person there under the age of 50, probably even 60. It’s hard to have hope that way.
Motivation
September 27, 2009 at 7:31 AM | In Mundane in the Brain | Leave a CommentTags: angsterbation, Braille, languages
How hard is it to get yourself motivated to do anything? To do the things you love, the things you dislike but have to do, or really, anything?
I find it extremely difficult. I love to paint but find it’s such a hassle to set up to do it at my apartment. I love to bead but my desk is covered with random things and I’m not motivated to clean it off. I’m not working therefore I should be able to find 30-60 minutes to just exercise. I keep walking into the kitchen hoping some fairy has come and cleaned the explosion it has become, but it just doesn’t happen. I have one chore, you’d think I’d be able to do it just fine.
What is more fun is when I actually do find motivation do get everything done one card falling can bring the whole house of cards down. This could happen early in the morning so I’m useless and lazy the rest of the day. The only things I am able to get done are my French homework and my Japanese homework. I think I’m more motivated by those because I have to answer to someone and I paid money for those courses and should get everything I can get out of the classes.
My brailling is going slow. That was a card that fell the other day. There are 25 lines you can do to a page and I messed up on the 24th line making the whole sheet unusable and I gave up for the day. Not just on brailling, but on pretty much everything. I think I only got my Japanese homework done that day.
Do you find it hard to get motivated? What tricks or what do you tell yourself to get motivated? I’m quite curious how the rest of the world does it.
Inspirational
August 26, 2009 at 10:45 AM | In AWEsome Sights, Change the World, EYE believe | Leave a CommentTags: eyes, inspiration, music
This man is beyond words. Nobuyuki Tsujii 辻井伸行 has been blind from birth but is the most beautiful piano player I’ve ever heard.
Here is his official website: NobuPiano
Here is a beautiful performance from this year where he won the Gold.
Visiting Days are Over.
August 20, 2009 at 11:57 PM | In Braille Wail, EYE believe, Mundane in the Brain, Parlez-vous? | 1 CommentTags: Braille, eyes, family, languages
Well, That was an exciting three weeks. It was come to Omaha month. My Sister flew in on a Sunday, my Mom drove in on the next Friday, my sister flew out on the Wednesday after that. My Mother drove out on the Sunday after that. The next day, Monday, my Mother- and Brother-in-laws drove in (from the same town as my Mom so they passed each other as my Mom stayed at a hotel on her way home making it a two day trip.) The in-laws left the Sunday after that.
Whew!
That was a LOT of visiting. It was great, though. I had not seen my sister for over a year. We would love to be closer together but our lives are on different paths for right now. Hers in Florida, mine in Nebraska.
To celebrate our togetherness my sister, Michelle, the bravest of the three, my mother, Gretchen, the one who is crazy about her girls, and myself, the one who has had it done before, all got tattoos. (How’s that for a run-on sentence!)
My sister went first and was very brave through the pain. She has two piercings in each ear and that’s the extent of body modification she has had done. Unless, you count eyebrow waxing. Originally she wanted a celtic design of hearts and metalwork to look like a bracelet around her wrist. It would have been too huge for her line of work to get the detail she wanted without it looking like mush in 10 years. So she went with 5 hearts in shades of purples, pinks and a blue. 5 is her lucky number. The inside of the wrist is a painful place to get tattooed. Especially how close to her hand it was. She pushed through the pain quite amazingly. I don’t think she would have been as brave as she was if she had tried this a few years ago.
My Mom was next, and she was wary with how hard of a time my sister had so she decided on just using color as an outline. A cross to remember and honor her parents who are no longer physically with us. A purple circle for my sister and a blue circle for me, our favorite colors. Red is her favorite color. Mom was pretty brave about it as well, it hurt her as well. Also, it was a crap shoot seeing as she is pretty much allergic to anything thanks to her medication.
Then mine, 8 stars, in a design like my sister’s. I liked the design the artist came up with Michelle’s so I changed it to stars as I prefer them, and in shades of blue. (8 is my lucky number.) We have come to the conclusion that I have tattoo antibodies, because it didn’t hurt me any where near as much as it did for them. It may be because I have 12 ear piercings and 6 other body piercings, and 4 other tiny tattoos that I was used to it. I also pegged it to my eyes. Having injections in ones eyes and other pokes and prodding by machines, puffs of air, and drops makes one a little more used to sitting and not moving a muscle than others.
I felt bad that it didn’t hurt as much as it did for them. I didn’t want them to have a more painful experience. I wanted them to enjoy it. (It also irked them that mine didn’t get as puffy as theirs or that it’s healing faster. Strange, with it being the biggest one of the three.)
Here they are.
This is maybe the day or the day after Mom and I got ours done. Turns out Mom was allergic to the after care products, hence why her skin is more red than ours.
Somehow we also managed to watch 4 seasons of the Office in 3 days. Still funny.
I was sad to see them go. My sis and mom can’t get away much. All three of us are unemployed right now. Different circumstances got us in teh same boat. I hope I can make the journey down to Florida for Christmas this year. Take my husband with me and show him a snowless winter!
My in-laws and I lazed the days and waited for Robert to get home, then we would go somewhere, or just hang out. It was nice to talk with my mother-in-law because we are obsessed over the same two books series right now. Gossiping about all the characters and the shocks and ribaldry.
Now it’s quiet. I have been waiting until these visits happened to do a deep cleaning of the apartment. Kitchen, living room, hallway, extra bedroom, done. Bathroom, front door/dining room/computer room, bedroom, tomorrow.
I found out today that a downpoor means I might as well close my eyes while driving. i can’t see where the road is. Even though I can make out where the other cars are, I can’t see the lines on the road and I panic about being to close to the other cars. The fact it was a half sun-shower didn’t help. Light reflections are always unwelcome.
I just sent in my fourth Braille lesson. I wish it was going at a faster pace. The postal service and life like to eat at time. I would really like to be certified soon, but I know I need the time to let all the info sink in for good. Not just for some test down the road. This is a skill I’d like to keep. I start classes next week. French online and Japanese on location at the school. I’m looking forward to it and scared. I know it’s a well used community college for all ages. I am nervous about being the strange old woman in the corner. I don’t know why I still care after all these years. I will always be strange and different and I am there to learn for my future.
Time to put on my grown-up pants and dig in.
With Chagrin.
July 10, 2009 at 9:37 AM | In EYE believe | Leave a CommentTags: crocodile shagreen, eyes
I am quite excited that I get to wait a whole 3 months to see the retina specialist again!!
I’ve been there pretty much once a month over the past 4 or 5 months now.
With the maintenance drops the pockets of fluid on the back of my retina are coming back, but not huge honeycombed sections I used to have. They will always occur because there is currently no way to seal up the leaky blood vessels.
I have noticed my world has been brought in a little more. I am a claustrophobic person so I notice the subtle changes when more of the retina is taken over by pigmentation.
I told the specialist that I was having a hard time focusing again. Turns out not only the pockets of fluid are affecting it. He said to the assistant that I had shagreen of the cornea on my left eye. (I laughed to myself and exchanged an amused glance with my husband because it sounded like he said chagrin. Those who have read the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer will giggle too due to her overuse of the word.)
I did some research (you have to love Google!) and it came up as Crocodile Shagreen. It is usually in older people, of course. The word ’shagreen’ itself is in reference to a crocodile’s hide. It’s mosaic like structure. Which is what the cornea looks like. Here is one of the very few pictures I found, click on it to link back to the article.
Look past the white light affected part. See the mosaic-like green pattern?
My specialist said it was due to my Retinitis Pigmentosa, but I haven’t found anything online connecting the two. It just may be because I have a disease in the eyes and they have to work overtime therefore causing my eyes to age faster, leading to the degeneration of my cornea.
Yay.
According to many articles online there is no need for a treatment as it does not effect vision. So that’s good news at least. I think.
Still here
June 30, 2009 at 7:33 PM | In Braille Wail, Mundane in the Brain | Leave a CommentTags: Braille, eyes, languages
Why, hello there. I am still here. I just have nothing exciting going on right now. I get up at the same time every morning. I sti at the computer and work on organizing and renaming my MP3’s. I shower, get dressed. Do laundry and dishes if needed. Do some work on my braille (I’m done with lesson 5, I just now received lesson 2 back so I can immidietly send out lesson 3.) I then work on a painting until my husband comes home from work. We watch the news, eat dinner, watch a movie, maybe play a game. Read a little, go to bed.
Day in, day out.
I’m excited for fall. We are signing up for classes. I am going to take Japanese again. I will become fluent. That is my goal. The only difference I want native speakers to notice is a possible incorrect accent to the area. I want to be that way with French as well. I might be taking a French course as well. I took them both in college, French I took since junior high. I feel my French slipping hard and my Japanese is no where near where I want it to be. I hope someday to get a job translating. Maybe one day I can not only transcribe braille, but translate it as well.
As for my eyes, they are okay. I have been moved down to a maintenance drop for my pressure. I go back on the 9th to see how it is working.
I am having a little bit more of a hard time while driving, my neck is starting to hurt with how much I have to move my head to compensate for the lack of periferal vision. More cars seem to be coming out of no where. The sunlight still hurts my eyes a lot. I have these great sunglasses that just go over my glasses. Ginormous lenses that cover half my face so no light comes in from the sides, top or bottom. Very nice.
I hope to see my sister and Mom soon. They should be coming to visit at some point, hopefully at two different times, yay for double the visit!
I have been adding stuff to my etsy shop, I hope to add some more here soon. bekochan.etsy.com You can help research into stopping blindness by purchasing. Half of your purchase price will be donated to Foundation Fighting Blindness.
Train of thought via the pity party.
June 7, 2009 at 1:25 PM | In Mundane in the Brain, Preposterous Ponderance | 3 CommentsTags: angsterbation, eyes
Today is not that great of a day for my eyes. I’m feeling more closed in and everything is making me nauseous. Even scrolling a browser page is making my stomach lurch.
I now know I have to put a timer on my phone when I’m out alone without the husband if I am the driver. The other night I had driven over to a friends place while my husband stayed at home waiting for his Mother and brother to arrive in town. I left about 4:30pm and lately the sun doesn’t set until about 9pm. I lost track of time and it was just after 9pm that I headed for home. The sun was mostly down and every car’s lights were on. Not fun. I hate car lights with a passion. They feel like mini suns that continuously stab me in the eyes with beams. It hurts.
A new thing happened this time, I got motion sickness. The only time I ever got motion sickness in the car while growing up was when I was reading. This was not a nice addition to situations that cause motion sickness.
Now on the list is action movies at the theatre (which makes me cry just thinking about it, I love movies!!!), reading in a moving vehicle, sometimes long boat rides, and now driving in low light.
Today seems like a not happy day in that everything is making me sick. The television, reading a book, computer- what the heck am I supposed to do with myself on a rainy day?!?! We were supposed to go to the zoo today but it won’t be as fun in the rain. How am I supposed to enjoy a wonderfully rainy day without a book to read? I have a couple audio books but what should I do with my hands? Knit? Well, I could do that, but I’m being whiney and don’t wanna.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle not being able to see to do anything. I’m working on a painting. How will I paint when I can’t see it? I will have to go abstract or something? Maybe I can figure out a paint by braille numbers…..
Pity party at my place.
I’m thinking of challenging myself every once in a while. I should blindfold myself for a whole day or more and try to make the most of it. No, not the most of it, the best I can be, with or without sight.
I also need to find or actually search for a program to enable me to be still addicted to the Internet and my computer when I can’t see the screen. Anyone know of a good program?
Henry Doorly Zoo May 20th, 2009 (Lots of Photos)
June 3, 2009 at 8:44 PM | In AWEsome Sights | 4 CommentsTags: nature, zoo
My friend Stephanie had a birthday on the 20th of May so we spent most of the day at the zoo taking tons of photos and enjoying taking our time. We didn’t see everything but we enjoyed the heck out of everything we did see!
I have a members pass so I plan on going a lot. I’ve already been 3 times now!
Not sure what kind of monkey he is. I was paying more attention to them rather than the signs.
The indoor jungle is amazing! It’s so beautiful!
Tapirs!!!! So cute!
Once again, I can’t remember the name. They look like the ones you find in Japan.
An adorable Pygmy hippo.
This guy was hamming it up for a group of kids. If the kids had longer arms they could have touched him he was so close! He did all sorts of poses for the kids and their cameras.
On to the Desert Dome and first creatures are the Meerkats.
He was so cute, and pretty small. I was lucky for my camera to get that clear of a photo.
These guys really know they are being watched. They are all superstars! I’m ready for me close-up!
Frog Mouthed Owl.
On to the butterfly house. I didn’t take a lot of photos in this fairy land as I was too concerned with being dive-bombed by hugs huge butterflies!
(I have to leave that mistake in as it is funny later in the post. Thanks April!)
Now the aquarium. Most of my pictures did not come out clear. You have to love underwater photography.
Woohoo! Jellyfish! I could watch these guys undulate all day!
He was huge! (HA HA I just accidentally typed hugs instead of huge)
I couldn’t quite get the colors right. The UV light was messing with the camera. It was a much more beautiful purple color.
Cat Complex. Isn’t he absolutely beautiful?
If I knew I wouldn’t get mauled I would love to curl up with this kitty and just lounge with him. Magnificent.
Finally, the gorillas.
Looking right at me! It was an amazing moment. Then some rude tweenagers came up by us and started banging on the window! we told them to stop, apparently their teacher told them to to get their attention. How terrible! If that gorilla wants through that glass to kill you, he will! So dissapointed with that teacher!!!
Okay that’s all I have for right now. The others are far too blurry for me to post.
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