Purple Tornadoes

February 24, 2014 at 9:46 PM | Posted in Artsy Fartsy, AWEsome Sights | 2 Comments
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I am what is crippling me when it comes to art. I constantly compare myself to other artists and instead of seeing it as inspiration I feel defeated. I am very good at telling my “what’s the point?” I’m lazy naturally and I like to have easily known outcomes to situations before I put myself in them. I used to be fairly decent with change as it was more forced the more we moved when I was younger. I had to accept change because it happened and I had no way out of it.
Now I’m able to avoid nasty outcomes by not doing a thing. I basically stay in the shadows. If I know someone nearby is better than me at a certain thing I will stop because clearly, the other person is better so why would anyone want what I’m creating.
Art is the hardest for me. I’ve had a self-induced block since I graduated college in 2002. The responsibility of creating is very hard to deal with. I know I am not the best but it means a lot to me to be heard, or seen, or noticed. However, I am overly fearful of anyone noticing me at all. That opens the chance of negativity. I don’t handle it well. Every negative remark, constructive criticism, or blank stare I feel as a cut to my very being. I take it all as I’m not a good enough human being to even exist.
Therefore, logically, I have found it better to not create and not open the door to pain, defeat, and unworthiness. Which of course has left out any positivity I may have gained and instead leaves me stewing on the fear of rejection.

I am trying to pull myself out of this.

It is extremely painful and wrenching.

I started slowly to get myself back into painting. I first stretched my own canvas and applied the necessary gesso. I left it alone for months. Letting it stare at me, judging me for not going through with putting a painting on it.

Then I was inspired. I watched the beautiful footage of a tornado near Rozel, Kansas that Dick McGowen ( @stormpics on Twitter) captured and was shown on S02E04 of Tornado Chasers. This beast was a thing of beauty. There were purples, pinks, and oranges and the tornado itself was pretty much perfect.

Here’s a couple of stills I captured for reference.

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Just look at the patchwork of colors!

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Such a perfectly shaped tornado.

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What it grew into. It’s so pretty!

I decided I needed to paint it. So I finally put paint to canvas as fast as I could like I used to. It turned out crap and I hated it. But it felt good to actually paint. I enjoyed myself as I was painting. Which is a very important feeling I need to hold on to. I forget it all the time for some reason or another.  I left the painting alone for a while. It was once again sitting and judging me. Screaming it’s awfulness at me constantly. Take a look below.

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Wow. Much Crap. Very Awful.

So the other day I finally decided to work on it and make it better. It has been an exercise in learning how to be okay with me. I am constantly angry with myself because I can’t get realism down. I don’t have the patience or the skills right now to do such a thing. So I deemed myself a failure as a painter. So as I was painting I was chiding myself for smoothing something out and then for the first time I answered that chiding. I said to myself, “but I like to smooth things out. Maybe that’s just my style.”

Maybe. That’s. Just. My. Style.

Guys, I actually accepted something about myself. It is astoundingly liberating allowing myself to do something. Giving myself permission to be me is a terribly difficult thing to do for some reason. It’s like I don’t feel worthy enough to have even my own acceptance. Self-doubt is very crippling.

Something is changing in me and I hope it is staying. My husband even pointed out how I’ve asked his opinion before I’ve finished the painting which I normally do not let anyone in. So I’m sharing the progress with you.

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Redoing the bottom section. The oranges were fun. I’m in love with that white cloud coming in from the left.

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Putting in the light purple section of the storm. Covering up the pink. Smoothing out the clouds.

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Putting in the little puff clouds that are being sucked into the tornado.

Now, here it is finished. I’m quite proud of it and I’d actually be okay with constructive criticism.

Maybe.

We’ll see. ;)

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Ta-Da! Now to think of a name………

(Yes, I know. I need better lighting in my room….also less garish curtains.)

Get in Shape, Girl

February 4, 2014 at 6:04 PM | Posted in Body Schmoddy | 4 Comments
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I have been thinking about how unmotivated I am to work out even though I really want to lose weight before my tornado tour trip. I’d like to be a bit more comfortable while cooped up in a van with other people. I am motivated in thought but not practice. It is so difficult to connect the two.
I think about this almost daily. This morning is no different. I do my best thinking in the shower and I was thinking how I could get in shape in time.
That’s when I noticed a jingle had popped into my head. The neurons holding onto this memory must have been so excited to finally remind me of something from my childhood.
This is me at Christmas in 1986 I think, at my grandparents house.

There it is on my left. (I may have been spoiled horribly.)

There it is on my left. (I may have been spoiled horribly.)

Trying on the sweatbands.

Trying on the sweatbands.

BI was insanely happy to get this gift. It was called Get In Shape, Girl. I was excited because it was something from a commercial I had seen on TV.

(Seriously, what is with the girl at the end of the ads bending over?!)

It has finally hit me how long I have struggled with body image. Yes, the aerobics craze was at its height in the 80′s and yes, kids like to do what their parents are doing. But the message of ‘show the world what you can do’ is pretty damn sickening. I also enjoy that there are no overweight children in the commercial.
To this day that is why I dislike going to gyms* I have a feeling I’m being looked down upon by the religiously athletic and born thin people. There is rarely someone anyone near my size

*This does not include Curves. This was the only place I felt mostly welcome. I say mostly because really, how accepted is a pink-haired, facially-pierced girl really going to be?

Edit 2/9/14: It has been several days since I started this post and that jingle will not get out of my head. I only have the ‘get in shape, girl’ part rolling over and over in my skull. My brain seems to be commanding and judging me with this horrible mantra.

It reminds me of the horrible judging poster up on fourth floor at work tell me to take the stairs. The only time I am really up on the fourth floor I have a book cart with me. I try to rationalize that of course I can’t take the cart down the stairs, but that poster makes me feel bad about myself anyway.

Inanimate objects should not be able to shame me.

Now, off I go to eat burritos and malted milk balls as a reward for actually using wii fit today! (And maybe off to play some Rebecca Black to get this jingle out of my head!)

Cloudy with a chance of cataracts

February 1, 2014 at 4:12 PM | Posted in Artsy Fartsy, Braille Wail, EYE believe | Leave a comment
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I feel compelled to write the first line about how astonished I am at how much time has passed since my last post. But this time I won’t.

Wait. Darn.

Oh well, moving on.

Something I took away from reading The Nerdist Way by Chris Hardwick was instead of a New Years resolution have a word or phrase to help get yourself through the year. A term that will help motivate you when you’re sitting there wondering what the heck to do. Last year I used the word ‘create’. This year I decided to go with two words: ‘start’ and ‘finish’. I chose them because I’m fairly good at starting projects and abandoning them when they get too hard or I find something else interesting. So whenever I have a time where I honestly don’t know what to do with myself I will think of everything I want to do and everything I have already started. There’s quite a few things so I don’t think I should be too bored in 2014.

I’m starting to get really excited for my spring trip around the Midwest on a tornado tour. Still need to finish paying for the trip and getting my plane ticket to get down to Oklahoma. I plan on documenting the trip and sharing my adventures on here.

I found out about a wonderful project where artists create postcard size art and they have exhibits to sell them for charity. Each year they pick a specific group and the money goes to them. Check them out here http://twitterartexhibit.org In anticipation of my tornado trip I made a piece of a very green supercell on the plains. I really hope I get to see something like this out there.

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The reason for the title of this post is that I have recently found out that I have cataracts in both eyes. I knew about my left eye but the right one is new. I know my vision has been blurry and out of focus for a while but I thought it was due to old prescription glasses. Well, I’m still quite sure that’s part of it, but the cataracts explain the rest. My retina specialist passed away and I started with another doctor who found the other cataract. He is suggesting that I get surgery. I’m not a fan of the idea but I know it will help my vision to improve. So, I will be calling my optometrist to get a recommendation for a surgeon.

It’s never a dull moment thanks to these blobs of goo in my head.

Oh! Oh! I almost forgot to mention! I finally finished my big Braille transcription for certification. I sent it in last weekend and they have acknowledged its arrival. They said it will take 6-8 weeks to find out the results. Fingers crossed for better than an 80!

Now I’m off to park my rear in front of the tv and work on the hat I’m knitting for my mom.

Random Political Post

August 7, 2013 at 5:02 PM | Posted in Change the World | 5 Comments
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I know it’s been a while and this is quite different from what I normally post but I was having a conversation with a German friend about views of our own countries and how other countries view our countries. It started from this magazine I processed into the library collection today.

Translated:  The False Friend. no respect, no morals: why America betrays freedom

Translated:
The False Friend.
no respect, no morals: why America betrays freedom

We were talking over Twitter and 140 characters is no where near enough to explain some things. I decided I needed to do a post about it. It may seem all over the place but I was responding to her last tweet to me in the conversation. I expanded of course, so here it is.

I vote. It may not mean that much in each election, but I vote. The government, media and analysts all have spent many years stating that black people and Hispanic people are not coming out to vote. Now congress has shut down the VRA which will do one of two things. Lose even more voters which will skew the votes even more than what they are right now. It will create a larger chasm of distrust in this country. Or it will cause people to rise up and shout and scream and get their votes in as best as they can.
I do not have faith that arms will be raised that way. I do not think this will motivate people to get out and vote. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness is enormous. The country is so wide, geographically, and spread apart that it is so much easier to have the mindset of ‘not my problem’ or ‘it doesn’t effect me’.
Everything is so far away so our hearts are tied into our tiny worlds instead of realizing the ties we should be paying attention to are larger.
I never understood countries who’s capitols are off in a corner of the land. It makes no sense. Can you imagine if the US capitol was moved to St. Louis or Kansas City? How great would it be knowing it would only take a few hours by car or plane to get to the capitol from anywhere in your country?
Do you think the red and blue states would change due to that move? Do you think that there would be more balance, and more connections to each other this way?
I know I would care about what was happening in my country if I was closer to the capitol. Knowing it wouldn’t take very long to go join a larger protest?

Yes, every state has their own capitol and can get organized there, but when you are a blue sitting in a sea of red, you’re pretty sure your voice is not going to be heard. (Same the other way as well, of course).

Changing my buying habits is a difficult thing. I am a person who has a hard time clipping coupons and this would rank up in there. There are too many corrupt companies, with too many fingers in too many pies. I find it difficult to trace where everything comes from. There are too many people vocal about their opinions that are so against my views that I can’t keep up with what companies these people are involved with.

I don’t make very much money, I work three days a week. I have a decent hourly wage but with around 18 hours a week it doesn’t add up to very much. I would be up a creek without a paddle if it were not for my husband’s job. Because he makes more and works more I feel as if my views and opinions on where we shop are not allowed to be taken into consideration. If I could never step into another walmart my entire life I would be a happy person.

I have already made some choices that I have been able to stick to. I will never donate to The Salvation Army because they try hard to not help out gay homeless people. I will never go to a chik-fil-a because of the owner’s views on gay people. I have also added Jimmy John’s to this list, recently.

In my ideal life I would only buy vegetables (that I haven’t grown myself) from local growers. I would only buy meat from local butchers. I would only buy goods from local vendors, not chains.

I can not afford to do that.
Hardly anyone can, anymore.

This is why I despair about being an American.
Yes, we are a ‘free’ country, but we have become a ‘free to be poor’ country. Capitalism and Democracy weren’t set in place to forget our fellow humans. I think one of the most horrible things invented was statistics. Reducing everything to numbers makes everything so cold.

We are not in the vacuum of cold space.
We are on a warm planet, we have warm bodies with chemical reactions that need connections and community to exist.

This coldness has turned to fear in America. 9/11 threw us for such a loop that as a friend has said, threw us back into the 50′s.
We were so arrogant about our safety. Thinking no one would ever attack us again after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. When someone did again we were so shocked that we reverted to familiar feelings. Fear. Fear of anything different. Fear of skin color, fear of gender, fear of age, fear of everything. It’s easier to fear something instead of taking the time to learn, to trust, or to accept. We’re a cat backed into a corner who has lost their sanity and reverted to deadly instincts due to irrational fear.

This is when NSA and CIA come in. They say it is necessary to collect ALL OF THE DATA so they can prevent terror plots. I remember hearing something like that when we invaded Iraq. This collection did not prevent Boston from happening. It does not prevent soldiers dying from IEDs or snipers.

Our country is failing not due to lack of money and jobs. It is failing due to indifference to the people, the faces, the lives.
I wish there was a way to scrap our entire system and start from scratch. A building can only take so much patching up before there is nothing that can be done to keep it standing. I don’t think small changes are the way. I think a broad clearing of the table is needed. And let everyone be in on the suggestions and decisions. It may seem daunting but I think it can be done. People need to feel like their voices are heard. Not a form letter from their representatives about their personal beliefs of the issues.

I could go on more, of course, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

In which I jibber jabber.

March 28, 2013 at 3:32 PM | Posted in Blah Blah Blah | Leave a comment
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The other day I woke from the strangest dream.
(I know where some of the imagery came from, I’ll explain some afterwards).
I was watching a music video, as if I was part of the crew creating it. It was the crazy haired kids of One Direction from the UK. It was set in the forest for some reason. The lady they were all singing to was Reese Witherspoon. You know, someone almost old enough to be their mom. But they helped her walk down the stairs (I know it was in the woods but there was a giant set of glamorous stairs. It’s a dream, go with it.) Then a very strange thing occurred. All of the boys were holding haystack shaped things in their hands that looked like they were made of terrycloth. They were about the size of their torsos. Oh, did I mention that each small haystack had Reese Witherspoon’s face on it, smiling and being generally charming. It makes me shudder to think about it.
Then, while still holding the haystacks they were moving through the woods and me on my director’s rails going along with the scene. Then suddenly there were smatterings of angel statues all over the woods. Arms wide open reaching for the boys with their haystacks.
I was scared.
Then the woods opened up to a cavern with a lake at the bottom. As we got to the cliff edge I noticed there were many dinosaur shapes everywhere. They were giant statues made of flowers.
I then zoomed in to the bottom of the cavern by the lake where someone was telling me about one of the creatures. He was warning me because if I sprayed him with something, (which I proceeded to do,) which showed red under special light, the creature would get spooked and get away. Which he did. By the way, it was a dachshund/tiger/lizard that slithered away like a snake by lifting his little legs off the ground.
It obviously triggered some ‘okay, no more’ button in my brain and I woke up.
*exhales*
Okay, that was a crazy defragging for sure.
Imagery origins!—>
Creatures made of flowers: Robert emailed me pics of parade floats of giant animals made of flowers.
One Direction: I checked in the new issue of Bop magazine at the library and they were on the front cover.
Reese Witherspoon’s face on haystacks: Cassandra from Dr. Who
Angel statues: Weeping Angels from Dr. Who
Tigers: Watched a DVD about big cats the other day.

Onto another subject.

I have tremendous joy whenever I get to make something out of whatever I can get my hands on.
One example, when my sister was Lulu from Final Fantasy X for my wedding, I made her hair pieces out if my random craft things and they turned out great.

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That’s my sister! Isn’t she beautiful?!

One part of my job I really enjoy is repackaging. ( I don’t like that we have to do this but stuff happens.) I like to take time and care with what I do. I don’t want to make a quick fix. I like to make things look new.
An example would be a Sesame Street Playaway View that was returned sans cover. It was our only copy so I couldn’t just get another one to make a photocopy of it. Onto the Google! Nothing.

I could only find an image of the playaway itself. So, I took another Sesame Street cover and copied it. On to Microsoft Publisher!
With that picture I found of the playaway and other fun editing that took a few hours over a couple of days, I ended up with the final product.

The front. I added the image of the device in the middle.

The front. I added the image of the device in the middle.

The spine. I changed the title by cutting and pasting from the device's image because I couldn't find the title elsewhere.

The spine. I changed the title by cutting and pasting from the device’s image because I couldn’t find the title elsewhere.

The back. I had to cover up all of the graphics for the other playaway, found a decent font and made the title and list. Also changed the play time amount.

The back. I had to cover up all of the graphics for the other playaway, found a decent font and made the title and list. Also changed the play time amount.

I even found the instructions for the inside.

Knowing how to use it is always handy.

Knowing how to use it is always handy.

Guys, it might seem silly but I’m super proud. I think that no one will notice it’s not the real packaging. That is the best.

Now, the last thing. I have been watching copious amounts of My Drunk Kitchen and I’m enjoying it immensely. I keep being wowed by her ability to open a can of beer while holding it with one hand. Two of my friends (during #TableTopDay) tried it and were successful. I failed.

I tried again today and I succeeded on my second one!

Level Up!

Have a good week everyone!

!!!

It’s Okay.

March 19, 2013 at 10:46 PM | Posted in Change the World, Despair, EYE believe | 2 Comments
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My eyesight is not being happy of late (I’m quite sure it’s stress related for the most part). I’ve fallen down twice in over a week and I’ve nearly fallen many other times. Stairs are a huge problem now. I’m having trouble even in daylight to discern where they end and begin.
I plan on getting my field of vision mapped again and it will be interesting to compare how much has changed.
I really need to find a lightweight walking stick to help out but that requires research and a way to get to where I need to go.

On a related note, I’m really disappointed by Omaha’s transit system. They don’t run very late at all. They have a transit center at one of the local community colleges yet they don’t run all their busses after evening classes are done. Also there’s a storm chasing class I’d like to take but it’s at a spot where I wouldn’t be able to take the bus home. This town is not accessibility friendly. Not for low-visioned individuals or non-car owners. Perhaps I should get more vocal about it along with the issue that only legally blind people are allowed by law to use white canes. I may just do that…

There are so many days where it just feels great to be alive. I crave those days. I didn’t understand those days for a long time and lived in the presumed comfort of misery. It was safer, I knew what to expect. The only thing that could make misery worse was more misery and you already were feeling it so it wasn’t as scary. Great days were dangerous, the difference to misery is so much greater so I didn’t think it was a good idea to have a good anything. It was safer.
I have now, with the help of therapy, have come to realize how good it is to have good in your life. It’s deserved and should be a part of everyone’s life.
I’ve also come to the place where bad times are okay, too. I know they still happen, I just need to not live in them. Getting back on the horse is the name of the game.
Even when feeling soul crushing despair I know it’s okay to feel this way. I know I don’t have to feel this always. For now it’s here and I need to work it through. Tomorrow will bring something better because I can start the day differently than how I ended the last.

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Sunset from a while ago

Toothpaste Sponge Cake Cookies

March 2, 2013 at 9:43 AM | Posted in Giving thanks | 1 Comment
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Why would you find it so terrible to be stranded in the middle of nowhere with no one around? Why do we spend time thinking of things we would like to have with us in case we were left alone on a deserted island surrounded by an endless ocean?

We all know whatever creature comforts we have along with us, being alone will out shine it all. In that scene in the movie Labyrinth where Sarah was surrounded by all of her favorite toys, dolls and possessions. She knew there was something far more important she was missing. Items were worthless without the people they connected you with.

You come into this world with the aid of someone else. There is no way for you to exist without the help of someone else. That’s the only way to get through life. The people around you, whether they live with you are not, are in your life for good reason. (Even if it’s someone you don’t like. They make you appreciate the people in your life who aren’t jerks.)

This may be a silly example but I saw a bigger lesson out of it. It’s a fun story of cooking catastrophe/averted.

The other day I wanted to make breakfast for dinner. It had been a really long time since we had french toast. I cracked four eggs into the dish which is always an adventure in itself ever since we changed over to organic brown eggs. Those shells are harder to crack and easier to shatter, so how it will come apart keeps you guessing with each egg. I added a cup of soy milk, trying it out for the first time with french toast. I added the sugar and grabbed the bottle to add vanilla. I started pouring and realized with horror that I was putting mint extract into the eggy soup. Expletives, I’m sure, were exercised  as the smell of mint engulfed me in a mocking manner.

Robert came into the kitchen and I told him. I was furiously trying to wash the mint off of my hands and the whisk, I had already decided that the only thing I could do was throw it out and start over. He started wracking his brain. he suggested we make something else out of it. I hadn’t even thought of that. I was ready to just chuck all of that minty fresh egg goop down the drain and into the trash.

After some contemplating he decided to make cookies. So it continued by adding a lot of sugar, a copious amount of flour and some baking powder. His arm was really hurting stirring all of that flour in. (We really should have recruited the mixer.) He finally reached the consistency that kind of looked like pancake batter cookie dough. He spooned them onto the cookie trays and set them to baking.

The weirdness that came out were these round like cookies, consistency of eggy sponge cake that made you feel like you were eating it right after you had brushed your teeth.  The mint and the cakey cookies gave you two different experiences. One of the mint flavor coating the entirety of your mouth. Then you’re just eating a spongy cake.

So. Weird.

The bigger lesson I thought about was how I was ready to just pack in and give up after a little(big) mistake.  If it hadn’t been for a little outside advice I wouldn’t have had experienced the weirdest cookie/cake things ever.

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You don’t even know how weird….

I’m not saying give in to peer pressure. I’m saying other people around you are there to offer help where and when you least expect it. They’re there to give you a different outlook on situations and life itself.

You may be ready to give up on something, ignoring something, resisting something, unaware of something even. Another set of eyes, finger tips, hands, brains tackling the world is always a better thing.

The geniuses of the world needed guidance to get to where they are.

Help is so difficult to ask for, even harder to receive when not asked for. I know I still have a knee-jerk reaction to advice from my parents to immediately reject and dismiss it.

A pinball has never scored a point without a helping hand.

River of Thoughts

February 11, 2013 at 9:04 PM | Posted in Preposterous Ponderance | 1 Comment
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I’m into day two of camping on my couch while I try to get over this wonderful head cold.

Right now I am being held down by my sleeping cat, so I couldn’t get up even if I wanted.

I once again got to witness a rocket go up live online today. It was taking up the new Landsat. Learn more about it at Nasa.gov .

Last week my husband was ill (with something different than what I have, of course,) and so I had to take the bus to work for a couple of days. The bus stop isn’t too far away from my house but it was before the dawn so it was very dark. I used a flashlight like a cane to help me along the way. The first morning wasn’t too bad, I was prepared for it. I had a great view of the crescent moon through the trees at the bus stop:

Lovely view through the trees.

Lovely view through the trees. Sorry about the blurry phone pic.

The second day I had to go I was a wreck. I had taken out the garbage to the curb and was near panic mode. It was extremely dark and I started to get scared as I was carrying the bins down our steep driveway. The darkness shocked me. I apparently was not prepared mentally that morning. The walk to the bus stop was filled with anxiety. I did however have another great view of the crescent moon in a slightly different part of the trees.

Through a filigree of branches.

Through a filigree of branches.

Later that evening after setting out a plan to stay later downtown to buy eggs and having to change my bus schedule I had a break down. While about to fix some eggs for my sick spouse I managed to drop all but one of the carton onto the floor. I was undone. I started yelling and berating myself. I got so worked up I couldn’t breathe and was in mild hysterics while trying to clean up the shattered eggs. (Really, who isn’t annoyed with cleaning up eggs!) I was also angry at myself for this reaction. It was only eggs.

But it wasn’t only eggs. It was every last little thing that has been bottling up for a while. It was unkind words from a coworker, it was the darkness frightening me, it was a sick husband I couldn’t drive to the doctor if needed, it was the bus system, it was a cat who scratches at the wall to wake me up, it was unanswered letters, it was some stupid broken eggs.

Everything has a higher level of frustration for me now, and I need to allow myself moments of release. I need to not bottle it up. Sometimes, I just need to get over myself. Sometimes, I need to take better care of myself.

I went to my retina specialist this past week and things are looking well maintained. The medication is keeping the macular edema under control.  With new pictures we were able to see that the pigmentation has not spread to the middle of my retina yet, so that’s a great thing.

To be quite honest, some times I wish it would get worse faster. I’m stuck in a middle gray area. I’m not legally blind, or blind enough to be recognized as such. I’m also not sighted enough to get through the world like other sighted people. It feels so easy to despair and whine about my situation. Misery is a comfortable and familiar place for me.

Happiness and appreciation for my life is a difficult thing to achieve. It seems like a foreign concept that is unattainable. It takes a lot of work to be happy.

How can you accept happiness when there is so much to be sad about? The bad things in my life are not little things that are easily ignored, so when I try to be happy about what I do have I feel I am leaving a large part of myself out of the equation.

I never have a moments peace in my head. There is always conflict. If I’m not finding fault with one thing, it is with another thing.

In a way I have brought this on myself. I had decided from an early age that I would not be a follower, a sheep  with wool over her eyes. I didn’t want to follow religion blindly with out researching what the world had to offer. I didn’t want to be the “typical” woman, hair always done in the same boring way, make-up perfectly painted, dress fashionably for my age. I didn’t want to be subservient. (Just ask my folks how much back-talking and fighting I did over the years.)

I wanted to be Cindy Lauper, Christa McAuliffe, Sally Ride, Tasha Yar from Star Trek: TNG, Denise from the Cosby Show, Frida Kahlo, Georgia O’Keefe, Tank Girl, Annie Oakley, even all the way back to an Allosaurus.

I wanted to be me. I wanted to be everything. I had a list a mile long of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I could never decide. Mainly because I wanted to do it all. I still want to do it all. A little here, a little there. I could never devote my brain and time to one specific thing as that would take to much away from everything else in the world. So my mind has always been at conflict with itself.

The inability to be happy comes along with it. I wish I could be happy with everything the way it is right now, because I know it won’t be forever and I’ll get to do something new all the time. I just don’t see it that way. I see it as I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be happy with the now, because it is not the what could have been or what might be tomorrow.

It is really not a healthy way to live.

I know I need to change this thought process (I’m a work-in-progress, a year and a bit of therapy is slowly working.)

It’s as difficult as trying to stay on a diet. It’s easy to give up.

Launch the Ankle Breakers!

January 30, 2013 at 8:39 PM | Posted in Braille Wail, Mundane in the Brain | Leave a comment
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Imagine that, two postings in two days!

It’s very cold right now and we got about 4-5 inches of snow over night. Tomorrow should be pretty darn cold. The forecast calls for -10- -20 windchill around the time I leave work. With the new house I take two busses to get home. Thankfully there isn’t really a wait between the busses. The walk home from the bus stop is about 4 blocks worth so that will be quite cold. I hope people shoveled their sidewalks. (I did our driveway and it took nearly two hours! Who thought having a sloped driveway was a good idea!) The problem with my neighborhood is there are either no sidewalks or very poor sidewalks that are really extensions of the road. Some are mish-moshes of random asphalt laid down at different times. They are ankle breakers waiting to happen. I’ve already tripped and stumbled into the street. I had to jump back onto the sidewalk quickly. That area of the sidewalk is level with the road, no curbs. I was trying to dodge the large branches that had overgrown from  bushes and trees. It is really not a disability friendly spot, let alone a fully able body. What surprises me is there is a grade school nearby.

I keep meaning to complain to the city about the state of the sidewalks along that street. I don’t know what stops me from doing so.

*cough* laziness *cough*

The reason I’m taking the bus home now instead of getting a ride from my husband is because I get done with work much earlier in the day now. Good news: Promotion! Bad news: Less hours. So with the cut in hours plus awesome raise my take home at the end of the week is about the same. Maybe a little less.  But I’m very much enjoying my time at home. I am much less stressed out on the whole.

(Pausing a moment from writing this to watch a rocket, TDRS-K, go up on www.nasa.gov)

We truly live in an amazing age. I can watch rockets lifting off live from the comfort of my home in my pjs. The technology we have in our everyday lives is amazing.

I keep learning about the great accessibility my phone has provided. I have an iphone 4s and if I were completely blind I could still use it. It takes a little bit longer to navigate to begin with but I bet you can be surfing the web and tweeting up a storm as fast as anyone else. I’m excited for an app coming out tomorrow that will allow people to type in braille.  It’s called Braille Touch App. I will be downloading it as soon as I can!

Speaking of braille, I only have my final transcription to complete and send in to get my certification. I’m excited and frightened at the same time. I have a lot of work to do. I’m in the preparation mode. Right now I am going through the piece I have chosen to transcribe and circling all of the special characters I need. I will then work on the formatting of the pages, then to the actual braille. I will still use my slate and stylus even though I got an AWESOME gift of a braille typewriter from my husband this holiday season. It needs some work and I need to work hard to learn how to use it. I don’t want to take the chance of making more mistakes on the final transcription than I already will by hand.

Bonus pic: My cat approves of my new laptop!

Bonus pic: My cat approves of my new laptop!

Well that was a fun jaunt around my skull for the evening. Off to work on my current knitting project. I’d say more but it is a gift for a friend. I’m having fun with it though!

Sunset and Snow

January 29, 2013 at 4:42 PM | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments
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Well, somehow a year passed by without a single post! 2012 never existed! Time paradox!

Oh wait, it did happen. Lots of things happened. Of course it did, it’s been a whole year!

Okay, enough with the hysterics.

Well, I might as well start with the big stuff. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! We are in debt for the next 30 years on a lovely brick one floor with a giant basement house. We have a HUGE yard and I’m looking forward to getting my hands dirty in the spring building a vegetable garden out back. My goal is to one day have a chicken coop back there too!

housey house

housey house!

We moved in in July and we are still slowly unpacking things. It’s hard deciding where we want things because finally we can unpack EVERYTHING . (We’ll also have the joy of saying, well, we managed to survive without all these things for years and years, it’s time to say goodbye.)

The house is really well lit in the summer with all of the bedroom doors open. Sun bounces off of everywhere and I can see my way just fine. The door handles were something to get used to. The closet handles sticking out are just about wrist height for me so I ended up with many a bruised wrist. I still hit them from time to time. I’m planning on getting smaller handles that don’t protrude as much.

The tough part is in the kitchen. It’s a narrow kitchen yet they built part of the counter to stick out. So I often bang into a sharp corner with my hip. The bruises were many and painful. I get super frustrated by it. Thankfully I am no longer blaming myself as I once did. I would have flown off the handle thinking how stupid I must be for not seeing the corner, and how clumsy I am, because I’m stupid, blah, blah, blah.

Now I deal with it healthier.

I simply fly off the handle at the counter for IT being stupid and sticking out and its general bad idea of placement.

Much better, right?

One thing I love about the house is the view. I have seen some AMAZING sunsets this fall and winter.

The iphone does not do it justice.

The iphone does not do it justice.

We also had a beautiful view after a heavy snow. I love this neighborhood.

So beautiful!

So beautiful!

I have many more things to talk about but this is just a reintroduction.

I hope you all have a wonderful day, and try to think about something that you really enjoyed today. There is always something.

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