Tags: anger, coping, frustration
Today is an angry day. I’m angry at everything. I’m so angry that I can’t physically speak about why I am angry. So I will list them here so I can at least get them out of my head for a little bit.
I’m angry because I didn’t work on any art today.
Because my left hand smells like onions since yesterday.
Because it’s September and still hot like summer.
Because I can’t get this anger out.
I’m angry because I don’t know if this is real anger or side effects from the Lupron Depot injections.
I’m angry because there are so many dishes and no dishwasher soap.
Because anything I want to eat in this house requires me to cook it.
Because I am cooped up in this house because there is no eras on for me to leave it. My art isn’t exactly portable and no one wants to hear a consistent pop pop pop of Braille at the library. Because it takes half an hour to an hour to get anywhere by bus plus that coming back that I may as well stay home.
I’m angry that I don’t have all the ingredients to make anything from my cookbooks and can’t get them.
I’m angry that I’m no longer bringing home a paycheck which turns out to be precisely what we used for anything more than bills.
I’m angry that I cry when I’m angry.
I hate putting drops in my eyes four times a day because they sting and I’m feeling very controlled by the scheduling of them.
I’m angry that mosquitoes are still biting me.
I’m angry that I feel like I can’t say anything negative because I don’t want to bring anyone else down even though I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
I’m angry that my hair is getting long and I can’t afford a hair cut, or color so I’m stuck with mostly my natural hair color and a tacky severely faded pink.
I’m angry that I keep snapping at my husband when he’s trying to say anything to me and that I’m making an awkward and uncomfortable environment for him.
I’m angry that I feel inferior to most people around me due to education level and monetary status.
I’m angry at my laziness.
I’m angry at the voice in my head that tells me to get over myself using the voices of people I know.
I’m angry that the font size on the main screen of my kindle can’t be changed so I have a hard time reading it.
On any other day I find it cute but today I’m angry that my cats find it necessary to be in the same room as me.
I’m angry at he sun and how bright it is.
I’m angry at my 12 years of neglecting art and therefore am without those 12 years of practice.
I’m angry with myself for not being able to cope with the little things.
That seemed to at least have eased the giant knot of black anger in my chest but it’s still there. Little by little it should go away. Or my hopes are it will have pissed off by the morning.
Tags: Despair, eyes
Lately I’ve been seeing many of those ‘feel-good’ articles in relation to vision loss. So-and-so has [insert genetically inherited eye disease] and despite this is [insert super powered feat of magnificence.] Like these lovely people, Blind woman climbs mountain in Maine, Blind man to tackle seven marathons in seven states over seven days for Aussie kids, Visually impaired Alexandria resident set to take on the Ironman world championship. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy these stories from time-to-time. Reminding me that there is life after blindness, one can overcome so many things and dreams can come true.
However, there are times when their stories make me angry. These people are not like me. They do not choose to do things like me. The very idea of running for more than the time it takes to run from the bathroom to the bedroom without a towel or robe makes me shudder and ache.
My accomplishments are much smaller in comparison yet huge for me. As I lose my vision slowly my headline would read, “AREA WOMAN MAKES IT THROUGH THE ENTIRE DAY WITHOUT CRYING IN FRUSTRATION DESPITE IMPENDING BLINDNESS” or “FEMALE WITH FAILING VISION FAILED FALLING OFF CURBS, FRIDAY.” Those are the happier headlines (and proof as to why no one pays me to write headlines.) Most days those headlines turn into the pathetic, long-winded, and depressing comic that everyone skips in the newspaper.
The truth is that every day I go through a little bit of hell.
I filled out a survey about my vision for Foundation Fighting Blindness (so they can track our info for their research) and one of the questions asked “How often do you think about your vision?” and one of the answer choices was ‘every day’. I, of course, chose that one right away. Not a day goes by without being reminded that my vision is slowly going the way of the dodo (and hopefully jeggings.)
I thought of a lovely descriptive visual for you about where I’m at in my vision loss. Imagine you are stuck. You’ve been caught in a way that your legs are pinned but your feet are sticking out. Your arms are free and can reach food and water so you can stay alive but you don’t have enough strength to free yourself. In front of you is an exploding volcano. The lava is racing towards you at a snail’s pace. You can feel the heat on your feet. You know its coming.
As far as you can tell there are two other types of people. The successfully fled and the unfortunately dead. You’re pretty sure there could be others like you, but clearly not in your vicinity. Your fate is simultaneously so very close and very far away. The heat is hotter everyday, it may just be half a degree, but you can tell.
Most days you wish the lava would just pick up it’s pace and finish the job.
There are days you remember that a bunch of those fled villagers are working almost around the clock to find a way to rescue you. You’re not sure which you want to happen faster because either direction is better than where you currently find yourself.
There’s also the really ‘fun’ days when you beat yourself up for being depressed about your situation because so many other people have worse things happening to them. Then, if you’re lucky, you’re able to remind yourself that frikkin’ lava from a frikkin’ volcano is about to frikkin’ burn up yo’ behind and you are able to allow your depression to continue.
Now I know what you might be thinking, blindness does not mean death. My response would be close your eyes or look up into a sunny sky. Now imagine that that would be the only thing you could see forever. Never ending darkness or the brightest white light or even a fog of light. I don’t even know what experience I will have. I do, however, take a small solace that it won’t be a test pattern (kids, Google it.)
Anyway, how is this not like death? Or at least something to mourn. My life will be forever changed no matter what happens. No matter what scientists or engineers come up with or when. Some people think about where they will be in five years, I wonder what I will see.
My vision is so different now than five years ago. I do know it would be much worse if not for the medication. I would have already lost my central vision, that much I know. So, of course I’m very thankful for my medication.
Right now I’m dealing with fuzzy vision in my left eye (fuzzy as in like looking through glass coated with vaseline), some of my central vision is going and flashes of light like ripples of water are more frequent than normal. My retina doctor believes I am having side-effects from cataracts surgery. More fluid build-up in the back of the eye and the membrane that holds my new lenses has become cloudy. Along with my normal two pills a day, I now have to put two different drops in each eye four times a day for six weeks. I may have to go back to surgery to have lasers take care of the cloudiness in the membranes. Exciting.
There’s currently no hope for my peripheral vision loss. Thanks to that peripheral loss I bump into so many things. I used to only bump into a couple things a couple times until I become familiar with its location. We all do it with our surroundings. You are able to get around your house from small visual cues and spacial memory. If your visual cues change you can bump into things until your spatial memory takes over. My visual cues are constantly changing so my spatial memory can not keep up. I am a pinball in my own kitchen. The stove, the fridge, the counters are all my enemies. My feet are the enemies of my cat’s tails. All of this is frustrating. It hits deep into my ego, insulting my intelligence, and it makes my blood boil.
I’m not taking this change and loss well. I’m not running through life embracing joy like they shove down your throats in feminine hygiene commercials. I finally have an actual reason for moping around like I did for no reason other than hormones in high school (don’t worry, I’m not going to try writing poetry again *shudders*.)
I wasn’t sure about actually posting this, until my husband encouraged me. Basically for the same reason I was writing it in the first place. I wanted to let anyone know that its okay to hate what is happening to you. Its okay to feel horrible day in and day out. Its to be expected. Its scary. Its difficult. Its heart-breaking.
Your pain is your own, but you are not alone.
Tags: kansas, lightning, oklahoma, sun set, sunset, texas, tornado
So I’ve been home for few days from my trip and I’ve finally had time to sit down and write about the last few days of my trip.
Thursday was our last chase day in Texas. We waited quite a while for storms to begin. After what felt like several humid and hot hours in a gas station parking lot storms finally erupted. The one we followed seemed to move decently fast, we had to move many times to keep out in front of the rain and hail, it really kicked up the dry dust and dirt.
We chased around this storm waiting for it to get some sort of consistent rotation. It had plenty of lowering but then it would fall apart, so no tornadoes on this one for us. As we were chasing we found many a dead zone to not only our data service but to our phone service as well. It was a Verizon free zone. Without data we couldn’t keep our radar updated so Charles had to use his skills to figure out which was the safe route, keeping us out of the hail. We kept driving for a while trying to find someplace to shelter the vehicle from the oncoming storm. There was what looked like a town on the map but was really an abandoned looking neighborhood but no where that could be cover. So we kept driving.
Finally we entered a larger town and there was a store with some carport-like structures out front. I think it was an auto electronics store. We sat there watching the sun set as the storm rolled into town. It was gorgeous, made everything look orange.
The storm blew in a lot of dirt with its first gust and we tumbled back into the van for a bit. The rain and hail came down, thankfully the hail was not very big. A couple of cars came and went behind us under the other part of the shelter during some of the rougher patches of the storm.
After the sun set and the rain passed us we were given a nice lightning show. It was difficult to capture of course. Also mine were shot through a window because we didn’t want to get out of the car.
We finally pulled into Brownwood, TX for the night. We found a diner that was still open at 10pm and found there was a hotel next door. (Where I had my decision to wait to the last minute to pack in the morning teach me a lesson because I left my childhood blanket there. Yes, I’m 34 and have a blankie. The hotel said they found it and said they would send it out on Monday. I should call them to make sure…)
The next day was a long day of traveling to get into position for Saturday’s final chase. We travelled from Brownwood, TX to Woodword, OK. Then on Saturday morning we headed up towards Phillipsburg, KS to wait for some storms.
Charles picked a great spot, after a short time waiting, little white clouds started popping up out of nowhere above us. Quickly building into large puffy clouds that started to make towers. We watched a lovely storm take place with a fellow chaser until it was decided to go get to a better viewing position for the storm as it looked like it was getting ready to rotate.
Sure enough a tornado was reported by the other chaser who was on the other side of the storm from us. We looked closer and saw the circulation on the ground. It was difficult to see because we had the rain in front of it. We zoomed toward it and we tried taking pictures as we drove but it was so difficult to see. We lost it behind a hill which we soon found out was a dam that we had to get up and over. By the time we got to a good spot the rain had filled in and we couldn’t tell if the tornado was still in progress.
This is the best picture I took of the tornado. It’s circled so you can see it.
One nice thing is I played with some filters on my iPad and the Noir filter really brought out some detail.
As far as we saw that storm did not produce again, but it tried on several occasions. Later it had some magnificent structure, that looked just plain bizarre to me.
As the sun was setting, and we had a 5 hour drive back to Norman, OK still that night, we decided to let the storm go.
I collapsed into my hotel room at 3am,
The next day I flew home. I had a wonderful experience, and I’m quite sure I will be going again. However, it was magnificent to be back home with my husband and my cats.
The next day, Monday, there was amazing and terrifying tornados that went through to the north of Nebraska. I was antsy watching a live stream. I felt weird not going and chasing. The storm that ravaged Pilger, NE spawned 4 tornadoes. It is estimated they were all EF4s. The footage is astounding, if you haven’t seen it, search for it. There were two extremely large tornados right next to each other.
The next night, big tornados ripped through counties north of Pilger and farms and homes were damaged.
The next night big tornados ripped through a South Dakota town.
This is a horrible time for so many people in those towns.
Please consider giving to the Red Cross, or volunteering your time in the clean-up effort.
The storms, they have gone away to greener pastures. Or rather, too far out of our range. After the adventure in Pecos we headed to Del Rio for potential storms. Lo, they jumped the border and headed to Mexico, which is a no-go for this tour group.
While we were heading for Del Rio we crossed the Pecos river and boy that was a surprise to us after seeing nothing but flat plains for a while. Suddenly the ground opened up and there was a river far below us. We decided to stop to get some pictures.
This bridge was built in 1957 after several other lower bridges were destroyed by flood waters over the years since the late 1800’s. According to the plaque it is 273 feet above the river, however it may be more as the river looks pretty shallow thanks to the ongoing droughts.
This next picture shows vehicles for scale.
We ended up in Sonora for this night and the next day was once again a storm-potential-free day for us so we went to the Caverns of Sonora and took the guided tour. It was approximately 1 hour 45 minutes to traverse almost two miles underground. Also it is sealed because it is still a mostly living cavern so it was around 70 something degrees with 90 something percent humidity. From the flyer I thought it was pretty well lit but apparently it was not for me. This was a difficult time for me. The guide was very nice and lent me her flashlight and checked on me along the way. My tour buddies also helped me a lot. Counting stairs for me, warning me of outcroppings, pulling me away from other outcroppings, etc. it was very hard not to touch anything. I did bump my shoulders a couple times, as well as scraped my legs a couple times. There were many times during that I felt like I should have stayed above ground. I didn’t see very much because I was concentrating on my feet, my shoulders, where the handrails were, and where the handrails weren’t. A quote from Star Wars popped into my head numerous times. Luke stating “I’m endangering the mission, I shouldn’t have come.”
There were two moments when anxiety nearly took me over. It was right when claustrophobia, acrophobia, fear of damaging everything around me, and not seeing everything around me to feel safe. I almost let it overwhelm me and I teared up but I sucked it back in and kept walking.
There was one moment when we were resting when we experienced total darkness. The guide turned off the lights and we turned off the flashlights. She had us hold our hand in front of our faces and wave it around. She said if anyone saw anything it was just retinal memory. I wanted to cry out to the world, ‘See? This is what I live with every friggin’ day!!!!’ Instead I kind of made a sound of agreement.
I didn’t get very many good photos because I couldn’t hold the railing, the flashlight and the camera at the same time.
Honestly I’m still not sure if it was a good or bad idea that I went down there.
Here’s a couple photos that actually turned out.
I really liked these. They’re basically straws, they’re hollow as they are made from the inside out. Water drips down inside the straw making it longer with each drop. They had one that was over six feet long but some jackass thought it would be funny to jump up and whack it down. The guide told us of a few moments of vandalism that have occurred over the years. Do they not understand that some of these things take millions of years to be created? Have some respect, people. Also, it’s a federal offense, so just don’t.
Tags: clouds, hail, pecos, SLC, straight line winds, texas
Yesterday’s chase started out in New Mexico again. We spent a while looking at this storm as it came over the mountains hoping that it was strong enough to pull itself together.
As it rose over us we headed back out to follow it. There was a moment when we had to stop because he hail core was crossing the road in front of us. When we started out again we were greeted with this on the side of the road.
This lovely storm didn’t produce a tornado but it sure liked posing for pictures. I think the green inside these storms is right up there as a favorite color.
It even gave a beautiful sunset.
Just look at these ridiculous clouds! This was shot looking up.
The most excitement of the day was when we were heading for Pecos, TX. The core of the storm and the road conspired together to keep us in a dangerous spot. Inside the powerful hail core. There were no roads to escape therefore we had to keep going. All we could see out the side of the van was darkness.
This storm was a beast inside. Straight line winds from the left pushing against the van, whipping rain across so rapidly the lines of the road were barely visible. The only time we had to stop was because on radar there was a strong rotation just in front of us. There were some power flashes as the straight line winds picked up in that moment. It wasn’t a tornado but there was wind rotating in a dangerous manner. Further down the road we started seeing things explode on the road so we knew big hail was starting to come down. It was big, it was loud and there was a lot. We saw a few on the road that were easily the size of baseballs. It seemed like the 3-4″ hail was dropping on the same spot above my head. It cracked the windshield in a couple of spots and later we found it broke part of the windshield wiper blade.
I fully admit to being frightened and I was texting both my mother and my husband during the onslaught.
We were in that storm for what felt like forever, but was more like half an hour to an hour.
We finally got in front of it just as we rolled into Pecos. We drove around finding a safe place to shelter while the storm went through the town. We parked under the covering of the drive-thru of a bank. Thankfully for the town the hail core skimmed to the side and it’s intensity dropped drastically.
We finally collapsed into our hotel rooms after the longest visit to Denny’s due to the whole wait staff having been shipped in the day before to help out and try to get the restaurant back in working order. However long it took at least the food tasted fresh and good.
It may look like fun or exciting on TV to punch the core of a strong thunderstorm, I don’t recommend it. This is why no matter what time of the year it is, pay attention to the weather forecast before traveling. Even if you’re just driving to work. Weather forecasts are no longer in the realm of palmistry or guessing. There is a lot of technology that is aiding them make accurate forecasts based on past data and current trends. This is why you start hearing about possible tornado outbreaks days in advance.
Having more information is always a good thing.
Knowledge is power as they say.
Tags: gustnado, mothership, new mexico, pancake stack, roswell, sunset, supercell, tucumcari
Yesterday we were in New Mexico and the structures we saw were, for lack of a better term, out-of-this-world.
We started on a storm that was outside of Tucumcari and it as looking promising.
She had some lowering but did not get organized enough to attempt a tornado. We sat on that storm for a while before deciding to head for another storm that was looking very good on radar.
On our journey there we were passed, then we passed, then were passed again by the TIV. We were heading for the same storm.
I have zero cares that this storm didn’t produce a tornado for us because this structure was beyond amazing. Be-yond. I didn’t think I would ever see the pancake stack with my own eyes not through a computer or tv screen. It was gorgeous. Seeing this giant mesocyclone (usually shortened to meso) spinning above us was amazing. Need I mention we were not far from Roswell, NM? This structure is also sometimes referred to as the mothership. I assure you that no alien probing of any kind occurred.
Then there was another storm coming up behind it and they caused some interesting wind patterns. The rear flank downdraft (RFD) from the first storm was sucked up by the updraft from the second storm. At one point there were two sections of the storm rotating opposite right next to each other like a couple of cogs in machinery. They caused a large amount of dust to be pulled up into the air which some reported as a tornado but was not an actual tornado.
Then we were honored with a gorgeous sunset behind the back storm. Which Charles informed us that even though we could not see rain coming down it was in fact hailing, which you can not see as well as the rain shafts. He kept us in the perfect positions to not be affected by any hail which depending on which storm was reported as baseball size.
Being on the same storm as the TIV was something special. Being around other chasers that not only share your interest but come from all over the world to share in that interest is pretty amazing.
This is all stuff I watched on TV, read about in social media, listened about on podcasts. Here I am being part of it. An actual part of it. Seeing someone else’s picture on twitter of the storm I was just witnessing is pretty damned cool.
I’m normally an introvert (unless I am 89% comfortable around you and/or had a couple of drinks), home-body, live-life-through-a-screen. It’s ridiculous what you may end up being a part of just by stepping outside your door, your comfort-zone, your safety-net.
I encourage everyone to do this at least once in their life. I recommend doing it at least twice.
Tags: colorado, new mexico, tornado, trinidad, volcano
70 year anniversary of D-Day.
8 year anniversary of my marriage to the wonderful Robert.
The day I saw my first tornado.
The day I saw my second tornado.
The day I saw a funnel cloud form not far from a volcano.
It was an amazing day.
(Note: These are my own photos, you may take them for wallpapers or background pictures, but please do not take them to sell or to claim as your own. Thank you.)
Just outside of Trinidad, Colorado ( which is an adorable town nestled between to beautiful mountain ridge lines and I would love to visit it proper one day) we sat and watched a beautiful storm pull itself together and start rotating. A nice mesocyclone formed and a wall cloud started to form. It attempted this wall cloud a couple of times. Then we saw a tiny point coming out of the lowering when I noticed there was dust being blown around on the ground underneath it. It was indeed a tornado.
It started to pick up more dirt from the ground and lifting up its column.
Then it became this beauty.
This tornado was on the ground for 34 minutes.
I thought I would be scared like I get during tornado warnings back at home, but I didn’t. I was too struck with the beauty and the fact this was actually happening before my eyes.
I think I will be less scared back home now. Not to say I will be any less prepared of course.
So we watched it as best we could until it dissipated. It was difficult for a time because the rain and hail core settled in on us. Hail was about dime size with random 1″ pieces. Once that tornado died we moved on to see if it would produce again or head to another storm. Then Charles (owner of Cloud 9 Tours) noticed another funnel had of us. We stopped again to take a look. This time with us between the storm and the sunlight it looked white and perfect.
At this point it seemed every single person from the local sheriff’s office drove by towards the tornado. We decided to get a little closer to the tornado as it was going away from us. Then we wee stopped by a police officer yelling at us to turn around, she didn’t seem to care that Charles is a trained spotter as he explained. She escorted us back to the spot we were before and said we could stay there but go no further. Unfortunately during that time of traveling back to our previous spot was when the tornado looked solid from sky to ground and we didn’t get pictures of it. It started roping out when we got out of the van. It was of course still beautiful. It was on the ground about 8 minutes.
So after some dithering with some police road block issues (the last tornado we saw tore apart a power pole and broke power lines and it was laying in the road. It also tore apart some of the barbed wire fences along the road and scoured the ground), and dirt-turning-into-mud-into-a-creek-bed road, we headed south. The delay saw this storm die down and we headed to New Mexico to catch another storm that was promising. By the time we got there it started to bring down a funnel but it did not produce. I got a decent photo of it near a volcano. The funnel is hard to see on the left, and I think you can figure out the volcano. (It’s a photo from my phone, though.)
We celebrated with a steak dinner as is tradition for the group. I thank Charles for picking the best storm for us.
I also thank Robert, for this trip, for my fun electronic gadgets that are helping me out, for everything always.
Tags: colorado, dust, green, hail core, scud, storm
Yesterday, the 5th of June, we followed this storm from start to finish. We were on it for at least 7 hours, watching it grow and grow and try to rotate.
It kept trying to pull itself together to make a nice supercell but it just couldn’t hold itself together enough to drop down a fully formed wall cloud let alone a tornado.
Each time we moved away from it it decided to try to do something interesting. We stopped at one point because there was some significant lowering and some rotation. We could see dust from the fields being sucked in all across the horizon. Some of the dust started rotating but nothing came of it. The dust just hung in the air after it was pulled in and up.
Then later as we had decided this tease was done for the day and we headed for someplace to eat we noticed it was trying to lower again so we stopped. We watched for a little while and boy did it try hard. Alas, she could not produce. But boy, was she a pretty storm to watch.
Tags: bird, bluffs, erosion, kansas, monument rocks, wren
Well we actually headed for Kansas today for a slim possibility of storms today and also positioning ourselves for storms in the area tomorrow.
However the plan as it stands at 8:36pm for me is we’re heading towards Colorado tomorrow for some possibility of upslope action which may produce some super cells.
So today we headed for an unexpected land feature hidden in the endless plains of Kansas. The next few photos are from Monument Rocks, random outcroppings that look like they had been attached to nearby bluffs at some point. There’s some birds that like to nest in them as well. I was told they are wrens and they used to cover all the outcroppings with their nests. I have to wait until I can get to my laptop before I can upload any videos I took with my actual camera.
Think super cell thoughts for us tomorrow!!
Tags: clouds, nebraska, storm chasing, storms, wind
Yesterday was a promising day but it was quickly undercut by some wicked cold wind just sucking the life out of the tornado potential in each storm we chased. We saw some very nice cloud structures and some nice cloud to ground lightning. It was a lot of fun actually chasing, all of us gathered around the mounted laptop watching the radar and looking outside. We did a lot of turning around trying the find the right road to get us to the right storm.
One of the things I really like is the impromptu chaser conventions along the way. Yesterday it was at a gas station and there were chasers of all sorts from the amateur to the professional. Even DOW was there.
There were three Doppler On Wheels and a few of their scout vehicles. The Dominator and TIV where chasing in a different area so I haven’t seen them yet.
Here are a couple pictures from one of the storms we chased. This was north of the town Sargent in Nebraska. The smaller lower clouds were just screaming by thanks to that wind.
Then we made our way over to North Platte, NE and of course as we got our hotel these little beauties popped up to our east just to taunt us.
Today’s chasing area I think will be western Nebraska, southeastern Wyoming, and who knows northeast Colorado might want a little attention as well.