Tags: beer, creativity, Dreams
The other day I woke from the strangest dream.
(I know where some of the imagery came from, I’ll explain some afterwards).
I was watching a music video, as if I was part of the crew creating it. It was the crazy haired kids of One Direction from the UK. It was set in the forest for some reason. The lady they were all singing to was Reese Witherspoon. You know, someone almost old enough to be their mom. But they helped her walk down the stairs (I know it was in the woods but there was a giant set of glamorous stairs. It’s a dream, go with it.) Then a very strange thing occurred. All of the boys were holding haystack shaped things in their hands that looked like they were made of terrycloth. They were about the size of their torsos. Oh, did I mention that each small haystack had Reese Witherspoon’s face on it, smiling and being generally charming. It makes me shudder to think about it.
Then, while still holding the haystacks they were moving through the woods and me on my director’s rails going along with the scene. Then suddenly there were smatterings of angel statues all over the woods. Arms wide open reaching for the boys with their haystacks.
I was scared.
Then the woods opened up to a cavern with a lake at the bottom. As we got to the cliff edge I noticed there were many dinosaur shapes everywhere. They were giant statues made of flowers.
I then zoomed in to the bottom of the cavern by the lake where someone was telling me about one of the creatures. He was warning me because if I sprayed him with something, (which I proceeded to do,) which showed red under special light, the creature would get spooked and get away. Which he did. By the way, it was a dachshund/tiger/lizard that slithered away like a snake by lifting his little legs off the ground.
It obviously triggered some ‘okay, no more’ button in my brain and I woke up.
Okay, that was a crazy defragging for sure.
Creatures made of flowers: Robert emailed me pics of parade floats of giant animals made of flowers.
One Direction: I checked in the new issue of Bop magazine at the library and they were on the front cover.
Reese Witherspoon’s face on haystacks: Cassandra from Dr. Who
Angel statues: Weeping Angels from Dr. Who
Tigers: Watched a DVD about big cats the other day.
Onto another subject.
I have tremendous joy whenever I get to make something out of whatever I can get my hands on.
One example, when my sister was Lulu from Final Fantasy X for my wedding, I made her hair pieces out if my random craft things and they turned out great.
One part of my job I really enjoy is repackaging. ( I don’t like that we have to do this but stuff happens.) I like to take time and care with what I do. I don’t want to make a quick fix. I like to make things look new.
An example would be a Sesame Street Playaway View that was returned sans cover. It was our only copy so I couldn’t just get another one to make a photocopy of it. Onto the Google! Nothing.
I could only find an image of the playaway itself. So, I took another Sesame Street cover and copied it. On to Microsoft Publisher!
With that picture I found of the playaway and other fun editing that took a few hours over a couple of days, I ended up with the final product.
I even found the instructions for the inside.
Guys, it might seem silly but I’m super proud. I think that no one will notice it’s not the real packaging. That is the best.
Now, the last thing. I have been watching copious amounts of My Drunk Kitchen and I’m enjoying it immensely. I keep being wowed by her ability to open a can of beer while holding it with one hand. Two of my friends (during #TableTopDay) tried it and were successful. I failed.
I tried again today and I succeeded on my second one!
Have a good week everyone!
Tags: accessibility, Despair, transit, white cane
My eyesight is not being happy of late (I’m quite sure it’s stress related for the most part). I’ve fallen down twice in over a week and I’ve nearly fallen many other times. Stairs are a huge problem now. I’m having trouble even in daylight to discern where they end and begin.
I plan on getting my field of vision mapped again and it will be interesting to compare how much has changed.
I really need to find a lightweight walking stick to help out but that requires research and a way to get to where I need to go.
On a related note, I’m really disappointed by Omaha’s transit system. They don’t run very late at all. They have a transit center at one of the local community colleges yet they don’t run all their busses after evening classes are done. Also there’s a storm chasing class I’d like to take but it’s at a spot where I wouldn’t be able to take the bus home. This town is not accessibility friendly. Not for low-visioned individuals or non-car owners. Perhaps I should get more vocal about it along with the issue that only legally blind people are allowed by law to use white canes. I may just do that…
There are so many days where it just feels great to be alive. I crave those days. I didn’t understand those days for a long time and lived in the presumed comfort of misery. It was safer, I knew what to expect. The only thing that could make misery worse was more misery and you already were feeling it so it wasn’t as scary. Great days were dangerous, the difference to misery is so much greater so I didn’t think it was a good idea to have a good anything. It was safer.
I have now, with the help of therapy, have come to realize how good it is to have good in your life. It’s deserved and should be a part of everyone’s life.
I’ve also come to the place where bad times are okay, too. I know they still happen, I just need to not live in them. Getting back on the horse is the name of the game.
Even when feeling soul crushing despair I know it’s okay to feel this way. I know I don’t have to feel this always. For now it’s here and I need to work it through. Tomorrow will bring something better because I can start the day differently than how I ended the last.
Tags: inspiration, love, support, Thankful
Why would you find it so terrible to be stranded in the middle of nowhere with no one around? Why do we spend time thinking of things we would like to have with us in case we were left alone on a deserted island surrounded by an endless ocean?
We all know whatever creature comforts we have along with us, being alone will out shine it all. In that scene in the movie Labyrinth where Sarah was surrounded by all of her favorite toys, dolls and possessions. She knew there was something far more important she was missing. Items were worthless without the people they connected you with.
You come into this world with the aid of someone else. There is no way for you to exist without the help of someone else. That’s the only way to get through life. The people around you, whether they live with you are not, are in your life for good reason. (Even if it’s someone you don’t like. They make you appreciate the people in your life who aren’t jerks.)
This may be a silly example but I saw a bigger lesson out of it. It’s a fun story of cooking catastrophe/averted.
The other day I wanted to make breakfast for dinner. It had been a really long time since we had french toast. I cracked four eggs into the dish which is always an adventure in itself ever since we changed over to organic brown eggs. Those shells are harder to crack and easier to shatter, so how it will come apart keeps you guessing with each egg. I added a cup of soy milk, trying it out for the first time with french toast. I added the sugar and grabbed the bottle to add vanilla. I started pouring and realized with horror that I was putting mint extract into the eggy soup. Expletives, I’m sure, were exercised as the smell of mint engulfed me in a mocking manner.
Robert came into the kitchen and I told him. I was furiously trying to wash the mint off of my hands and the whisk, I had already decided that the only thing I could do was throw it out and start over. He started wracking his brain. he suggested we make something else out of it. I hadn’t even thought of that. I was ready to just chuck all of that minty fresh egg goop down the drain and into the trash.
After some contemplating he decided to make cookies. So it continued by adding a lot of sugar, a copious amount of flour and some baking powder. His arm was really hurting stirring all of that flour in. (We really should have recruited the mixer.) He finally reached the consistency that kind of looked like pancake batter cookie dough. He spooned them onto the cookie trays and set them to baking.
The weirdness that came out were these round like cookies, consistency of eggy sponge cake that made you feel like you were eating it right after you had brushed your teeth. The mint and the cakey cookies gave you two different experiences. One of the mint flavor coating the entirety of your mouth. Then you’re just eating a spongy cake.
The bigger lesson I thought about was how I was ready to just pack in and give up after a little(big) mistake. If it hadn’t been for a little outside advice I wouldn’t have had experienced the weirdest cookie/cake things ever.
I’m not saying give in to peer pressure. I’m saying other people around you are there to offer help where and when you least expect it. They’re there to give you a different outlook on situations and life itself.
You may be ready to give up on something, ignoring something, resisting something, unaware of something even. Another set of eyes, finger tips, hands, brains tackling the world is always a better thing.
The geniuses of the world needed guidance to get to where they are.
Help is so difficult to ask for, even harder to receive when not asked for. I know I still have a knee-jerk reaction to advice from my parents to immediately reject and dismiss it.
A pinball has never scored a point without a helping hand.
Tags: angsterbation, eyes, Happiness, moon
I’m into day two of camping on my couch while I try to get over this wonderful head cold.
Right now I am being held down by my sleeping cat, so I couldn’t get up even if I wanted.
I once again got to witness a rocket go up live online today. It was taking up the new Landsat. Learn more about it at Nasa.gov .
Last week my husband was ill (with something different than what I have, of course,) and so I had to take the bus to work for a couple of days. The bus stop isn’t too far away from my house but it was before the dawn so it was very dark. I used a flashlight like a cane to help me along the way. The first morning wasn’t too bad, I was prepared for it. I had a great view of the crescent moon through the trees at the bus stop:
The second day I had to go I was a wreck. I had taken out the garbage to the curb and was near panic mode. It was extremely dark and I started to get scared as I was carrying the bins down our steep driveway. The darkness shocked me. I apparently was not prepared mentally that morning. The walk to the bus stop was filled with anxiety. I did however have another great view of the crescent moon in a slightly different part of the trees.
Later that evening after setting out a plan to stay later downtown to buy eggs and having to change my bus schedule I had a break down. While about to fix some eggs for my sick spouse I managed to drop all but one of the carton onto the floor. I was undone. I started yelling and berating myself. I got so worked up I couldn’t breathe and was in mild hysterics while trying to clean up the shattered eggs. (Really, who isn’t annoyed with cleaning up eggs!) I was also angry at myself for this reaction. It was only eggs.
But it wasn’t only eggs. It was every last little thing that has been bottling up for a while. It was unkind words from a coworker, it was the darkness frightening me, it was a sick husband I couldn’t drive to the doctor if needed, it was the bus system, it was a cat who scratches at the wall to wake me up, it was unanswered letters, it was some stupid broken eggs.
Everything has a higher level of frustration for me now, and I need to allow myself moments of release. I need to not bottle it up. Sometimes, I just need to get over myself. Sometimes, I need to take better care of myself.
I went to my retina specialist this past week and things are looking well maintained. The medication is keeping the macular edema under control. With new pictures we were able to see that the pigmentation has not spread to the middle of my retina yet, so that’s a great thing.
To be quite honest, some times I wish it would get worse faster. I’m stuck in a middle gray area. I’m not legally blind, or blind enough to be recognized as such. I’m also not sighted enough to get through the world like other sighted people. It feels so easy to despair and whine about my situation. Misery is a comfortable and familiar place for me.
Happiness and appreciation for my life is a difficult thing to achieve. It seems like a foreign concept that is unattainable. It takes a lot of work to be happy.
How can you accept happiness when there is so much to be sad about? The bad things in my life are not little things that are easily ignored, so when I try to be happy about what I do have I feel I am leaving a large part of myself out of the equation.
I never have a moments peace in my head. There is always conflict. If I’m not finding fault with one thing, it is with another thing.
In a way I have brought this on myself. I had decided from an early age that I would not be a follower, a sheep with wool over her eyes. I didn’t want to follow religion blindly with out researching what the world had to offer. I didn’t want to be the “typical” woman, hair always done in the same boring way, make-up perfectly painted, dress fashionably for my age. I didn’t want to be subservient. (Just ask my folks how much back-talking and fighting I did over the years.)
I wanted to be Cindy Lauper, Christa McAuliffe, Sally Ride, Tasha Yar from Star Trek: TNG, Denise from the Cosby Show, Frida Kahlo, Georgia O’Keefe, Tank Girl, Annie Oakley, even all the way back to an Allosaurus.
I wanted to be me. I wanted to be everything. I had a list a mile long of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I could never decide. Mainly because I wanted to do it all. I still want to do it all. A little here, a little there. I could never devote my brain and time to one specific thing as that would take to much away from everything else in the world. So my mind has always been at conflict with itself.
The inability to be happy comes along with it. I wish I could be happy with everything the way it is right now, because I know it won’t be forever and I’ll get to do something new all the time. I just don’t see it that way. I see it as I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be happy with the now, because it is not the what could have been or what might be tomorrow.
It is really not a healthy way to live.
I know I need to change this thought process (I’m a work-in-progress, a year and a bit of therapy is slowly working.)
It’s as difficult as trying to stay on a diet. It’s easy to give up.
Tags: Braille, Cat, walk
Imagine that, two postings in two days!
It’s very cold right now and we got about 4-5 inches of snow over night. Tomorrow should be pretty darn cold. The forecast calls for -10- -20 windchill around the time I leave work. With the new house I take two busses to get home. Thankfully there isn’t really a wait between the busses. The walk home from the bus stop is about 4 blocks worth so that will be quite cold. I hope people shoveled their sidewalks. (I did our driveway and it took nearly two hours! Who thought having a sloped driveway was a good idea!) The problem with my neighborhood is there are either no sidewalks or very poor sidewalks that are really extensions of the road. Some are mish-moshes of random asphalt laid down at different times. They are ankle breakers waiting to happen. I’ve already tripped and stumbled into the street. I had to jump back onto the sidewalk quickly. That area of the sidewalk is level with the road, no curbs. I was trying to dodge the large branches that had overgrown from bushes and trees. It is really not a disability friendly spot, let alone a fully able body. What surprises me is there is a grade school nearby.
I keep meaning to complain to the city about the state of the sidewalks along that street. I don’t know what stops me from doing so.
*cough* laziness *cough*
The reason I’m taking the bus home now instead of getting a ride from my husband is because I get done with work much earlier in the day now. Good news: Promotion! Bad news: Less hours. So with the cut in hours plus awesome raise my take home at the end of the week is about the same. Maybe a little less. But I’m very much enjoying my time at home. I am much less stressed out on the whole.
(Pausing a moment from writing this to watch a rocket, TDRS-K, go up on www.nasa.gov)
We truly live in an amazing age. I can watch rockets lifting off live from the comfort of my home in my pjs. The technology we have in our everyday lives is amazing.
I keep learning about the great accessibility my phone has provided. I have an iphone 4s and if I were completely blind I could still use it. It takes a little bit longer to navigate to begin with but I bet you can be surfing the web and tweeting up a storm as fast as anyone else. I’m excited for an app coming out tomorrow that will allow people to type in braille. It’s called Braille Touch App. I will be downloading it as soon as I can!
Speaking of braille, I only have my final transcription to complete and send in to get my certification. I’m excited and frightened at the same time. I have a lot of work to do. I’m in the preparation mode. Right now I am going through the piece I have chosen to transcribe and circling all of the special characters I need. I will then work on the formatting of the pages, then to the actual braille. I will still use my slate and stylus even though I got an AWESOME gift of a braille typewriter from my husband this holiday season. It needs some work and I need to work hard to learn how to use it. I don’t want to take the chance of making more mistakes on the final transcription than I already will by hand.
Well that was a fun jaunt around my skull for the evening. Off to work on my current knitting project. I’d say more but it is a gift for a friend. I’m having fun with it though!
Tags: clouds, house hunting, nature, snow, sunset
Well, somehow a year passed by without a single post! 2012 never existed! Time paradox!
Oh wait, it did happen. Lots of things happened. Of course it did, it’s been a whole year!
Okay, enough with the hysterics.
Well, I might as well start with the big stuff. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! We are in debt for the next 30 years on a lovely brick one floor with a giant basement house. We have a HUGE yard and I’m looking forward to getting my hands dirty in the spring building a vegetable garden out back. My goal is to one day have a chicken coop back there too!
We moved in in July and we are still slowly unpacking things. It’s hard deciding where we want things because finally we can unpack EVERYTHING . (We’ll also have the joy of saying, well, we managed to survive without all these things for years and years, it’s time to say goodbye.)
The house is really well lit in the summer with all of the bedroom doors open. Sun bounces off of everywhere and I can see my way just fine. The door handles were something to get used to. The closet handles sticking out are just about wrist height for me so I ended up with many a bruised wrist. I still hit them from time to time. I’m planning on getting smaller handles that don’t protrude as much.
The tough part is in the kitchen. It’s a narrow kitchen yet they built part of the counter to stick out. So I often bang into a sharp corner with my hip. The bruises were many and painful. I get super frustrated by it. Thankfully I am no longer blaming myself as I once did. I would have flown off the handle thinking how stupid I must be for not seeing the corner, and how clumsy I am, because I’m stupid, blah, blah, blah.
Now I deal with it healthier.
I simply fly off the handle at the counter for IT being stupid and sticking out and its general bad idea of placement.
Much better, right?
One thing I love about the house is the view. I have seen some AMAZING sunsets this fall and winter.
We also had a beautiful view after a heavy snow. I love this neighborhood.
I have many more things to talk about but this is just a reintroduction.
I hope you all have a wonderful day, and try to think about something that you really enjoyed today. There is always something.
Tags: Happiness, help, love, sewing
I tend to over-stress myself. I think I have a long time to get certain things done and then I realize I only have a couple of days to get two vests and one shirt made. As well as finishing my skirt, my hat, and some jewelry. All for a themed New Year’s Eve party.
I do this often, I don’t budget my time correctly and I end up making things in a whirlwind of sleeplessness and a temper with a short fuse. I snap at everyone who tries to help. For some reason I see it as a person who doesn’t think I can do it myself and out I lash.
I then sit and worry and think on what I need to be doing and when I should be doing it. Scheduling myself to insanity.
I had a wonderful moment where now I can breathe and I have calmed down. Thanks to a wonderful co-dependent cat. Last night I went to sleep with her curled up right next to my head and this morning she curled up on my torso when I laid back down after a shower. Her purrs reminded me what is really important. I often get reminded how lucky I am in life. I had a husband sleeping peacefully next to me and a cat purring and cuddling with me.
There’s no reason to worry about these things. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get everything done. Things will get done if I am less stressed. Mistakes won’t be made as much if I have a head filled with less rage. I enjoy sewing and making new things so I should enjoy the process not stress over it and make myself more upset.
I know I was already doing a bit better because I actually accepted help from my Mother to pin and get things started while I’m at work today. This is a good thing. It’s not so important that I am the sole maker of items. It’s more important that fun was had during the process. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Have a good day, every one. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I also suggest not sweating the big stuff as well. You’ll be happier in the long run!
I am not blind. I am not even legally blind. I’m slowly getting close, but I have just a little too much left in the outfield of my vision range. I am constantly getting different medicines to keep the fluid build up in my retinas at bay. My Retinitis Pigmentosa is not only taking away my peripheral thanks to the actual pigmentation of my retinas, but it is also causing blood vessels to fail and that is the fluid build up. This is called Macular Edema. Now, I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned all this before and if you saw an earlier post you saw how awful my field of vision is thanks to these problems.
I have a very hard time seeing things right in front of me and also things far away. If I know there is a pole or wall in a certain spot I am able to use muscle memory to avoid them. If I am unfamiliar with the location of these items or the territory itself is new and/or different I will walk into these things. I will bump my cart into people, I will walk into signs, I will hit my shoulder/hip/foot/arm on any number of objects.
I still am not legally blind.
I recently have been thinking about getting that tell-tale sign of vision-loss: the white cane. Just for the times I am not confident of my surroundings. Whether a night out with friends, or visiting a new city, or even getting used to a new job, I thought this would be helpful. I’ve been doing some internet searches on people’s opinions of when it is time to get that white cane of freedom and safety. Almost every one of the stories I read were from people who are legally blind. I happened upon a thread that mentioned the law and to check local laws about use of a white cane.
I did this for my state. Apparently in Nebraska it is a Class III Misdemeanor to use a white cane if you are not legally blind.
Here is the website to read the statute: Click me
If I get a typical white cane I will roam the streets in fear knowing at any moment I could be taken down by a vicious hoard of swat teams.
I may just get a regular cane, or use my golf umbrella, or better yet I can get a big walking staff like Gandalf.
Tags: family, Happiness, love, nature, Thankful
Once again I have neglected this blog for a few months because I’ve been able to say my thoughts in the lovely 140 characters allowed on Twitter pretty nicely. Right now it seemed like I need the space and it’s always refreshing to write a little bit more than a news headline.
Today is the Winter Solstice and I’m not spending it the way I would have liked. I’ll get my petty whines out of the way. I’m sick with some sort of head cold that’s lasting longer than my immune system normally allows. I think after not working for so long and being practically a hermit and suddenly I’m back out in the germ-full masses has brought me to this place of illness. Yay for a head full of mucus and a neck too tired to support the weight. I didn’t go to work for two days and I dragged my behind in today which was a bit of a mistake. I ran out of tissues during the day and was stuck with those horrible brown paper towels that you swear is just recycled sandpaper.
Okay, now that lovely whining is over, I can move onto happier things. I’m really enjoying the season (I could use some more snow however. I’m looking at you dry air and high pressure systems. No one invited you!) I have our little tree out, only 3 ornaments are hanging on it for two reasons: I was too lazy to put out more; we have a cat and the tree is on the coffee table. I’ve strung some very pretty lights up on the bookcases and wall and I’m thinking I may leave them up year round. Strings of lights make me gleeful!
There are pretty packages under the tree and a few more will go under it with each day. Even though the three of us here are different religions (I am Wiccan, husband is agnostic, and Mom is Christian) we will still celebrate on the 25th. Mainly because that is the time off we get from our jobs and schools. I did have us open a gift each last night in honor of the Solstice.
The important thing about these holidays, no matter the religion or when you celebrate, its about celebrating each other and that we are all the same in the end. We are all humans, we are all of the Earth.
So, I hope you have a lovely holiday season surrounded by those you love and know that even if you are alone you are loved. We’re all connected, so you’re never truly alone.
Well, my goodness it has been a while! I apologize for the immense amount of time since I last posted. I’m getting used to a schedule again and I’m having a hard time with it. I now have a part-time job as an aide at the public library here! I am enjoying it for the most part. I’m not necessarily enjoying the hours I have on two of my four days but as a newbie I get what they give.
It’s nice to feel helpful in my family again. I can bring home some money and contribute to the bills. I can also provide for myself things I need that I have been putting off that I thought I couldn’t or didn’t have the right to because of my lack of contribution. I’m not surprised how women used to feel invalid and not a huge voice in the family back in the day. Yes, it’s family money but if you didn’t earn it yourself it feels weird putting any claim to it.
My eyes are not being too big a problem in the new job, thankfully. When I started there was a lot of me kicking recycling bins next to desks while I was getting used to the layout of my work area. I just needed to get the muscle memory of how many steps I needed to get to where I was going. (I don’t memorize how many steps I need, it just is a natural restriction on my body as it learns the layout.)
I do have to be extra vigilant when I am shelving because I shelve a lot in the children’s section. Pushing a big cart of books I have to be careful of not running into the little tykes.
I do swear that every book I have to shelve or find is on the bottom two shelves so the amount of squats I do every workday is astounding. Squats are my most hated exercise of all time. Now I get paid to do them. Sometimes I just sit on the floor because it is easier. Those picture books are killers! There’s so many of them! We don’t even keep all we have out all the time, either. During the Summer, yes, for the reading program. I am not looking forward to that shelving situation.
Once a week I work in a different department where I get to label and sometimes cover books and media. I look forward to this day all week. I put spine labels on, security tags, genre stickers, letters if needed and if the book has a dust jacket I put a cover on it. I really enjoy preparing the books to go out on the shelves for the first time.
Another thing I am getting to experience in the ‘getting out in the world by myself ‘ is two of the four days a week I work I take the bus to get there. It feels good to not have to depend on anyone but myself to get to work on time. Now that the bus anxiety is over I have the confidence to get to where I need to go. The anxiety was over the unknown aspect of this bus system. I found that it was the same as the bus system I used back in Wisconsin but the unknown frightens the heck out of me. I also don’t like looking clueless in front of other people as I try to figure out something new to me. Now, I was able to take the bus on a day off to get to the dentist.
On another good note my eyes are apparently getting better. Well, the disease isn’t but the fluid build-up in the back of my retina is getting better thanks to the medicine I’m using. The peripheral is still gone but I do feel a little less closed off to the world because of the improvement. I still have my bad days of course, but much more infrequently and that is pretty fantastic.
Oh, before I go, I just want to point out something to coffee/Starbucks lovers. this months new gift card has Starbucks written out in braille. It’s actual bumps on the card. It’s a pretty design and I suggest getting it for yourself or for someone else as a gift. Support braille!
Anyway, have a nice Autumn day! (Spring if you are in the Southern Hemisphere!)