The words of a petulant child

September 23, 2016 at 7:07 AM | Posted in EYE believe | Leave a comment
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That’s how I felt as soon as I posted my last entry.

I felt physically ill.

I cried a lot. 

Over my own hurt and self-pity.

Over my cries of defiance that made me feel like I was yelling #NotAllMen or #AllLivesMatter

I know my feelings of sadness and fear are valid. But I’m going through a long drawn out mourning period that will continue for a long drawn out time in the future. 

What I keep forgetting is that with each visual change or loss I adapt. I live with it. I move on. 

I just have to keep going through this exhaustive cycle over and over again.

And so I am tired.

And sometimes numb.

Numb to others who have already adapted and moved on. Numb to their battles because I’m busy fighting my own. 

Sometimes I feel a jab through the numbness and I react in a much larger way than is necessary. I used to be on a hair trigger for anger, still am occasionally, but nowhere near as much as I used to be. Now I’m more on a hair trigger of sadness, depression, loss, disappointment, inadequacy, and fear. That’s a nasty recipe for a lot of things. This is why I see a counselor, to keep this crap in check, to keep going, even if I can collapse at any given moment. 

This isn’t an excuse, this isn’t a cry for pity. I’m just explaining how it is. 

The saying ‘can’t see the forest for the trees’, that’s me right now. 

Learning about the world I’m slowly moving into is also a slow process. I just tend to go kicking and screaming sometimes. I’m not anywhere near ready to live the life I want because I’m too busy living the life I got.

Basically, just because I don’t feel I should be part of the fight doesn’t mean I should get in the way. I don’t have the knowledge or experience of what most people who are blind have. 

I may feel dismissed, but I shouldn’t dismiss them. Their fight is real and is necessary. 

Here’s an article about why the #HowEyeSeeIt campaign is not necessarily a good thing: HERE

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