The Light

April 4, 2016 at 10:28 PM | Posted in Center training, My brain, my enemy. | Leave a comment
Tags: , , ,

I may be losing my sight slowly now but I think I have been blind my whole life.

For so long I have lived in the darkness, shrouded in my fear of the world and how it saw me. How it would treat me. How it could treat me. How I thought it was going to treat me.

We base our view of the world on our interactions with it.

I have been around of a lot of negative people and experienced many negative things. These things build up over the years and can cover your sight. Causing you to be blind against anything that could be a good thing.

Every once in a while you try to put on some rose colored glasses and hope to see something beautiful in the world around you. You try. You try so hard.

But at the same time you’re too afraid to look at something beautiful. It doesn’t feel real.

That familiar darkness that has been building up along your spine and encircling you with negativity is safe.

It is always with you so it is a comfort to be covered in it. It’s like a sticky tar you can’t get rid of. But it knows you. It knows everything that has ever happened to you.

It knows of the boy who made fun of you because of how you danced that one time…. So it tells you not to do that ever again….

It knows the time a boy from class who lived up your street told everyone he felt an earthquake every time you walked around the house… So it reminds you that you are fat an unlovable….

It knows every. single. time. you were turned down, rejected or dropped to the side and remembers it all in detail so it brings it up out of the blue to remind you that no one thinks you’re worth anything.

And you believe it.

There’s too much evidence not to.

It makes you suspect everyone. It makes you wait for the terrible things. It makes you expect the terrible things. It makes you embrace the terrible things. It makes you see terrible things in every little thing that happens every single day.

Yet, you still return to it.

I am my own abuser. I am my one bully. No one hates me like I do.

DID.

Layer after layer of horrible sticky tar has been slowly removed over the years thanks to counseling and thanks to being here at the center.

I’m some place where no one cares that I have pink hair, that I have a face full of piercings, that I’m overweight, that I’m tall. No one cares if I’m attractive to look at or not.

It is beyond freeing.

I’m in a place where they are talking just to me. Seeking out my opinions. Sharing jokes. Checking on me. Offering an ear, a shoulder.

Just me. The actual me.

At first the slimy, clingy tar of darkness did it’s normal work of making me react poorly to knocks on the door, calls on the phone. All I saw was annoyances… people are annoyances waiting to cause pain to you… is what my comforting tar beasty tells me. It builds walls as tall as the sky.

I had written for my counselor a chat with the tar beasty and then I tried to write a conversation with the positive side of me.

She was extremely hard to talk to. But what I got mostly was that she actually was there. I do have a positive side to me. A side that actually wanted me to be happy. And also believed I deserved to be.

Sometimes a single moment can change everything. A ray of light that is too bright can suddenly appear from nowhere. Maybe it was a beam that consisted of multiple small rays that converged at the right time to be magnified and obliterate the tar from my eyes.

A suggestion that change can be made.

A romantic scene from a tv show.

A constant stream of creative release.

A promising word about your future career.

It can be anything that suddenly makes you so happy that nothing else matters.

Now I get it.

I am allowed to be happy and I am. I am allowed to be loved and I am by not only others but also by me.

I fully have been enjoying my friends without any fears that I was just kept around because I was another warm body.

I realized that for so long I have been so worried and focused about how I was being perceived and seen that I wasn’t showing my love and appreciation to my partner. I was too caught up in the labels of “husband” and “wife” that I forgot what really mattered.

I can be happy.

I deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be happy.

Love what you love. Don’t worry about what others are thinking. Love what you love.

I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m currently worrying about how cheesy this post may seem. But I’m happy I’m doing it.

Mistakes happen. You will get hurt. But it’s not the end of everything good. There is so much good and beauty in this world but tar is so very hard to see through. But you can do it. If I can find a calm center of happiness, then you can.

You deserve it.

IMG_1835

Advertisements

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.