The Light

April 4, 2016 at 10:28 PM | Posted in Center training, My brain, my enemy. | Leave a comment
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I may be losing my sight slowly now but I think I have been blind my whole life.

For so long I have lived in the darkness, shrouded in my fear of the world and how it saw me. How it would treat me. How it could treat me. How I thought it was going to treat me.

We base our view of the world on our interactions with it.

I have been around of a lot of negative people and experienced many negative things. These things build up over the years and can cover your sight. Causing you to be blind against anything that could be a good thing.

Every once in a while you try to put on some rose colored glasses and hope to see something beautiful in the world around you. You try. You try so hard.

But at the same time you’re too afraid to look at something beautiful. It doesn’t feel real.

That familiar darkness that has been building up along your spine and encircling you with negativity is safe.

It is always with you so it is a comfort to be covered in it. It’s like a sticky tar you can’t get rid of. But it knows you. It knows everything that has ever happened to you.

It knows of the boy who made fun of you because of how you danced that one time…. So it tells you not to do that ever again….

It knows the time a boy from class who lived up your street told everyone he felt an earthquake every time you walked around the house… So it reminds you that you are fat an unlovable….

It knows every. single. time. you were turned down, rejected or dropped to the side and remembers it all in detail so it brings it up out of the blue to remind you that no one thinks you’re worth anything.

And you believe it.

There’s too much evidence not to.

It makes you suspect everyone. It makes you wait for the terrible things. It makes you expect the terrible things. It makes you embrace the terrible things. It makes you see terrible things in every little thing that happens every single day.

Yet, you still return to it.

I am my own abuser. I am my one bully. No one hates me like I do.

DID.

Layer after layer of horrible sticky tar has been slowly removed over the years thanks to counseling and thanks to being here at the center.

I’m some place where no one cares that I have pink hair, that I have a face full of piercings, that I’m overweight, that I’m tall. No one cares if I’m attractive to look at or not.

It is beyond freeing.

I’m in a place where they are talking just to me. Seeking out my opinions. Sharing jokes. Checking on me. Offering an ear, a shoulder.

Just me. The actual me.

At first the slimy, clingy tar of darkness did it’s normal work of making me react poorly to knocks on the door, calls on the phone. All I saw was annoyances… people are annoyances waiting to cause pain to you… is what my comforting tar beasty tells me. It builds walls as tall as the sky.

I had written for my counselor a chat with the tar beasty and then I tried to write a conversation with the positive side of me.

She was extremely hard to talk to. But what I got mostly was that she actually was there. I do have a positive side to me. A side that actually wanted me to be happy. And also believed I deserved to be.

Sometimes a single moment can change everything. A ray of light that is too bright can suddenly appear from nowhere. Maybe it was a beam that consisted of multiple small rays that converged at the right time to be magnified and obliterate the tar from my eyes.

A suggestion that change can be made.

A romantic scene from a tv show.

A constant stream of creative release.

A promising word about your future career.

It can be anything that suddenly makes you so happy that nothing else matters.

Now I get it.

I am allowed to be happy and I am. I am allowed to be loved and I am by not only others but also by me.

I fully have been enjoying my friends without any fears that I was just kept around because I was another warm body.

I realized that for so long I have been so worried and focused about how I was being perceived and seen that I wasn’t showing my love and appreciation to my partner. I was too caught up in the labels of “husband” and “wife” that I forgot what really mattered.

I can be happy.

I deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be happy.

Love what you love. Don’t worry about what others are thinking. Love what you love.

I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m currently worrying about how cheesy this post may seem. But I’m happy I’m doing it.

Mistakes happen. You will get hurt. But it’s not the end of everything good. There is so much good and beauty in this world but tar is so very hard to see through. But you can do it. If I can find a calm center of happiness, then you can.

You deserve it.

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River of Thoughts

February 11, 2013 at 9:04 PM | Posted in Preposterous Ponderance | 1 Comment
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I’m into day two of camping on my couch while I try to get over this wonderful head cold.

Right now I am being held down by my sleeping cat, so I couldn’t get up even if I wanted.

I once again got to witness a rocket go up live online today. It was taking up the new Landsat. Learn more about it at Nasa.gov .

Last week my husband was ill (with something different than what I have, of course,) and so I had to take the bus to work for a couple of days. The bus stop isn’t too far away from my house but it was before the dawn so it was very dark. I used a flashlight like a cane to help me along the way. The first morning wasn’t too bad, I was prepared for it. I had a great view of the crescent moon through the trees at the bus stop:

Lovely view through the trees.

Lovely view through the trees. Sorry about the blurry phone pic.

The second day I had to go I was a wreck. I had taken out the garbage to the curb and was near panic mode. It was extremely dark and I started to get scared as I was carrying the bins down our steep driveway. The darkness shocked me. I apparently was not prepared mentally that morning. The walk to the bus stop was filled with anxiety. I did however have another great view of the crescent moon in a slightly different part of the trees.

Through a filigree of branches.

Through a filigree of branches.

Later that evening after setting out a plan to stay later downtown to buy eggs and having to change my bus schedule I had a break down. While about to fix some eggs for my sick spouse I managed to drop all but one of the carton onto the floor. I was undone. I started yelling and berating myself. I got so worked up I couldn’t breathe and was in mild hysterics while trying to clean up the shattered eggs. (Really, who isn’t annoyed with cleaning up eggs!) I was also angry at myself for this reaction. It was only eggs.

But it wasn’t only eggs. It was every last little thing that has been bottling up for a while. It was unkind words from a coworker, it was the darkness frightening me, it was a sick husband I couldn’t drive to the doctor if needed, it was the bus system, it was a cat who scratches at the wall to wake me up, it was unanswered letters, it was some stupid broken eggs.

Everything has a higher level of frustration for me now, and I need to allow myself moments of release. I need to not bottle it up. Sometimes, I just need to get over myself. Sometimes, I need to take better care of myself.

I went to my retina specialist this past week and things are looking well maintained. The medication is keeping the macular edema under control.  With new pictures we were able to see that the pigmentation has not spread to the middle of my retina yet, so that’s a great thing.

To be quite honest, some times I wish it would get worse faster. I’m stuck in a middle gray area. I’m not legally blind, or blind enough to be recognized as such. I’m also not sighted enough to get through the world like other sighted people. It feels so easy to despair and whine about my situation. Misery is a comfortable and familiar place for me.

Happiness and appreciation for my life is a difficult thing to achieve. It seems like a foreign concept that is unattainable. It takes a lot of work to be happy.

How can you accept happiness when there is so much to be sad about? The bad things in my life are not little things that are easily ignored, so when I try to be happy about what I do have I feel I am leaving a large part of myself out of the equation.

I never have a moments peace in my head. There is always conflict. If I’m not finding fault with one thing, it is with another thing.

In a way I have brought this on myself. I had decided from an early age that I would not be a follower, a sheep  with wool over her eyes. I didn’t want to follow religion blindly with out researching what the world had to offer. I didn’t want to be the “typical” woman, hair always done in the same boring way, make-up perfectly painted, dress fashionably for my age. I didn’t want to be subservient. (Just ask my folks how much back-talking and fighting I did over the years.)

I wanted to be Cindy Lauper, Christa McAuliffe, Sally Ride, Tasha Yar from Star Trek: TNG, Denise from the Cosby Show, Frida Kahlo, Georgia O’Keefe, Tank Girl, Annie Oakley, even all the way back to an Allosaurus.

I wanted to be me. I wanted to be everything. I had a list a mile long of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I could never decide. Mainly because I wanted to do it all. I still want to do it all. A little here, a little there. I could never devote my brain and time to one specific thing as that would take to much away from everything else in the world. So my mind has always been at conflict with itself.

The inability to be happy comes along with it. I wish I could be happy with everything the way it is right now, because I know it won’t be forever and I’ll get to do something new all the time. I just don’t see it that way. I see it as I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be happy with the now, because it is not the what could have been or what might be tomorrow.

It is really not a healthy way to live.

I know I need to change this thought process (I’m a work-in-progress, a year and a bit of therapy is slowly working.)

It’s as difficult as trying to stay on a diet. It’s easy to give up.

In which I calm down

December 29, 2011 at 6:32 AM | Posted in Sew much | 1 Comment
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I tend to over-stress myself. I think I have a long time to get certain things done and then I realize I only have a couple of days to get two vests and one shirt made. As well as finishing my skirt, my hat, and some jewelry.  All for a themed New Year’s Eve party.

I do this often, I don’t budget my time correctly and I end up making things in a whirlwind of sleeplessness and a temper with a short fuse. I snap at everyone who tries to help. For some reason I see it as a person who doesn’t think I can do it myself and out I lash.

I then sit and worry and think on what I need to be doing and when I should be doing it. Scheduling myself to insanity.

I had a wonderful moment where now I can breathe and I have calmed down. Thanks to a wonderful co-dependent cat. Last night I went to sleep with her curled up right next to my head and this morning she curled up on my torso when I laid back down after a shower. Her purrs reminded me what is really important. I often get reminded how lucky I am in life. I had a husband sleeping peacefully next to me and a cat purring and cuddling with me.

There’s no reason to worry about these things. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get everything done. Things will get done if I am less stressed. Mistakes won’t be made as much if I have a head filled with less rage. I enjoy sewing and making new things so I should enjoy the process not stress over it and make myself more upset.

I know I was already doing a bit better because I actually accepted help from my Mother to pin and get things started while I’m at work today. This is a good thing. It’s not so important that I am the sole maker of items. It’s more important that fun was had during the process. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Have a good day, every one. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I also suggest not sweating the big stuff as well. You’ll be happier in the long run!

A very merry Solstice to you all!

December 22, 2011 at 7:35 PM | Posted in Giving thanks | Leave a comment
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Once again I have neglected this blog for a few months because I’ve been able to say my thoughts in the lovely 140 characters allowed on Twitter pretty nicely. Right now it seemed like I need the space and it’s always refreshing to write a little bit more than a news headline.

Today is the Winter Solstice and I’m not spending it the way I would have liked. I’ll get my petty whines out of the way. I’m sick with some sort of head cold that’s lasting longer than my immune system normally allows. I think after not working for so long and being practically a hermit and suddenly I’m back out in the germ-full masses has brought me to this place of illness. Yay for a head full of mucus and a neck too tired to support the weight. I didn’t go to work for two days and I dragged my behind in today which was a bit of a mistake. I ran out of tissues during the day and was stuck with those horrible brown paper towels that you swear is just recycled sandpaper.

Okay, now that lovely whining is over, I can move onto happier things. I’m really enjoying the season (I could use some more snow however. I’m looking at you dry air and high pressure systems. No one invited you!) I have our little tree out, only 3 ornaments are hanging on it for two reasons: I was too lazy to put out more; we have a cat and the tree is on the coffee table. I’ve strung some very pretty lights up on the bookcases and wall and I’m thinking I may leave them up year round. Strings of lights make me gleeful!

There are pretty packages under the tree and a few more will go under it with each day. Even though the three of us here are different religions (I am Wiccan, husband is agnostic, and Mom is Christian) we will still celebrate on the 25th. Mainly because that is the time off we get from our jobs and schools.  I did have us open a gift each last night in honor of the Solstice.

The important thing about these holidays, no matter the religion or when you celebrate, its about celebrating each other and that we are all the same in the end. We are all humans, we are all of the Earth.

So, I hope you have a lovely holiday season surrounded by those you love and know that even if you are alone you are loved. We’re all connected, so you’re never truly alone.

It’s My Party, And I’ll Be Happy If I Want To..

May 31, 2011 at 10:14 PM | Posted in Giving thanks | Leave a comment
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This past weekend was one of the most enjoyable birthday weekends I have ever had. I am normally mopey at my birthdays. Last year I had about 10 people over and not everyone knew each other so they stuck to their groups. I stayed to the side, not mingling with anyone and being an awkward guest at my own party. This year was quite different.

After my most recent therapy session I had a very large burden removed from my shoulders and I feel amazing. It took someone else to help me realize I am allowed to make the choice to be happy. I am in control of my own happiness. I was overly punishing myself for a past sin. I made it so I could never be happy because I didn’t think I deserved to be for my one big mistake. My human mistake. I have overly atoned for it. That is not to say I am completely over it and can forget it completely. I just need to realize that sin does not make me who I am.

This weekend I found myself not feeling ashamed for being happy and enjoying myself. I didn’t feel like hiding from the world. This was my time.

My actual birthday (Friday) I ran errands with my husband (who took a vacation day for me) and my Mom. We went to the library, picked out some books. Then on to a bakery a friend used to work at and brought delicious goodies for us. I bought a giant cake (that took a while to finish and every piece was difficult to finish because there was so much and it was so decadent!) Then onwards to the grocery store to pick up pizzas freshly made to be baked later and they happened to have a special on frappucinos at the coffee shop. Yay! Half off? Yes, please! Both my sister and Dad called during the day to wish me a happy birthday. Then a trip to a bookstore where I got more books and some new speakers for my mp3 player. The evening was really fun. Friends, Dr. Who and lots of food. It was a great night.

The next day my husband and I went to the Goodwill and I actually found jeans that fit, TWO pair. I of course purchased them! That’s a rare find for someone of my size. We also had checked out a gaming store near us and found a great tee shirt with Daleks on it for our friend. We also went to the Goodwill’s electronics store and it was like going into a computer museum! I took a nap when we got home because the first Goodwill store has poor lighting for my eyes and they were really tired. I was a little nauseous from it. Later that evening my old boss from the flower shop in Wyoming and her husband and baby had come into town so we went out to dinner. It took a while to get a table but we were trying to eat down in Old Market and it gets busy there on a Saturday night. It was a lovely meal with good conversation and the most laid back baby I have ever seen. She was simply adorable. She is 11 months old and already has a fake smile and fake laugh to deal with the world. I love it! We then went to an ice cream shop and enjoyed some more good conversation.

Sunday morning my husband and I watched an episode of True Blood and then I had to get ready.  A friend of mine and I went and saw Wicked. It was amazing. It was my first time seeing it, I had read the book but it was very different. The songs were great, the acting was great and the sets were gorgeous! So many sparkles on Glinda’s dress! The theatre (yes spellcheck tells me to say theater but I lived in England and I like to spell some things their way!) was a little difficult to navigate because it is so lowly lit for some reason. I made my way up and down stairs without tripping so I say it was a win! Afterwards the friend hung out at our place while we made characters for various role-playing games we are in while watching Mythbusters.

Monday was a laid back day. My husband and I sat on the couch in the morning and read books  which was a rare treat seeing as he normally is at work on a Monday. We did go to our friend’s apartment to continue character creation (and watch Moulin Rouge), but just for a few hours. We came home, I mad dinner and we watched a movie. Another nice evening.

I felt energized by this weekend. I want to thank everyone that made its awesomeness happen! I may be limited of vision but there is no limit as to how happy I can be and am allowed to be.

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