Tags: Center training, depression, lack of sleep
6 weeks. 6 full weeks until I’m done at the center. Has it really been that long? Is it really only that short of a time away? I may be freaking out a bit. There’s a lot to do in a short amount of time. I’m worried and excited to go home. Worried that I’ll revert to old habits and excited because I miss my spouse and cats desperately.
Today my anxiety level was raised quite a bit. It was time for drops. Where each of us are dropped off somewhere and our task is to find our way back to the center. I’m generally not too worried once I’m out of the vehicle but the driving around beforehand is the freakiest. I get so worked up to the point of tears. It’s awful and I hate it. But as soon as I got out of the car I knew I was downtown and it didn’t take me long to get where I needed to go. Got a coffee while waiting for the bus. Then made my way to the center. I’m still shaking from the anxiety and adrenaline from the exhilaration of knowing where I was.
I realize I haven’t talked much about what I’ve been doing lately because I’m going through so many emotional changes that it’s easy to forget the other accomplishments. So I’ll give an update.
Food I’ve made: vegetarian chili, lemon bars, coconut macaroons. All were delicious and I may have shoved the coconut macaroons into my face so fast that I felt ill afterwards.
Also I have started a sewing project where I’m making a crochet hook holder out of a washcloth. You don’t even know how hard t is to sew a straight line with a machine. It’s super freaking hard. After looking online for some tips I’ve made a pattern out of a sheet of Braille. Making a row of the letter k and sewing in between.
Shop class: things are going well. I’ve used a hand held sander, a biscuit cutter, the chop saw, and I’ll let you know what my project is when it’s all done.
Braille: still moving along nicely.
Cane travel: I’ve been going downtown a few times and having to find addresses with a fellow student/staff trainee and then finding the way back to the apartments.
Computers: I’ve been doing well using the screen reading program JAWS and I can surf almost as fast as I can sighted. But seriously web developers? Get your act together. Make your shit accessible. It’s not too hard.
I’ve been networking with some artists and have an opportunity to show a piece of art this summer so that’s exciting.
I’ve been having a real rough week after an amazing weekend with my fantastic friends and my wonderful spouse. It was so hard to come back an I’m having a hard time getting my head back into the swing of things. Just floating through each moment hoping I can make it through. Sleep has been especially difficult. I have maybe slept 4-5 hours a night. And I’ve been straining my eyes reading print because I can read it faster and I need te escape.
Here’s hoping you’re all having a wonderful day and week. You all deserve it and I wish you all the best. I could really use a hug. So I offer one to you all. Thanks for reading. *Big hugs*
I’m nearing the end of my second attempt at my final braille transcription. I’m into the proofreading stage and am nearly done with the second run through. Something finally clicked in my brain over the weekend and its about damn time. Since I quit my job at the library in July I have been in a funk. I have been able to work on the final transcription and start and finish a few paintings. However, things didn’t feel right. Then the click happened. I realized I had been acting like I was at home sick from work for three months. I have so much time to do things that I need to do but I let TV, video games and other things distract me. TV shows will be there for me whenever I have time, it’s not imperative that I keep up with anything.
Anyway, so I started powering through this proofread. Today I decided I needed to get outside and do a little exercise. I decided on a walk to the store with the goal of getting some cheap Halloween candy. (Have to make up for that initial walk.)
Normally I enjoy walks but boy, today sure wanted me to be full of snark.
Some jackass in a pickup truck was zooming around the neighborhood making sure he squealed around every corner. Must be nice to have so few cares in the world to spend that time being an asshole.
Guys, please remember to maintain your sidewalks. It’s not the city’s job, it’s yours. I don’t have a sidewalk in front of my house, but I would make sure it was well maintained. Too many people had severely wrecked sidewalks that threatened to break each of my ankles many times over.
Someone needs to learn how to use electrical tape. You’re supposed to cut it when you’re done, not unravel the rest of the roll and leave it to hang.
These wires on this power pole are hanging down so far that kids could grab them. I’m not sure that’s a good idea.
These markings are all over a section of the sidewalk, I’m sure it’s something to do with what is underneath but I only see the Japanese Kanji for ‘mountain’. In my head the city planners are going to turn this sidewalk into one heck of a mountain range.
Four high school boys walked by me and as soon as they passed me one yelled back at me something that sounded like “You look like Ellen DeGeneres, Bitch.” I think he needs to read what both compliment and insult mean in the dictionary. Also I think he needs to take a better look at Ellen, and think about getting his eyes checked. I’m completely taking this as a compliment. We just so happen to both have short hair. I however, weigh about four or five Ellen’s. Also she is a hilarious and wealthy woman with a steady job and can find work at any time. She also is in a committed and loving relationship. Not a bad person to be compared to, I think. I also think I’m going to stop weighing myself in pounds, I’ll just use Ellen as a measurement.
So, I’d just like to say, thank you world, for making me appreciate my home and not be guilty about my love for hardly leaving the house during the week.
Also, it tells you how infrequently I leave my home for something other than a doctor appointment if this is the kind of thing that bothers me.
Tags: anger, coping, frustration
Today is an angry day. I’m angry at everything. I’m so angry that I can’t physically speak about why I am angry. So I will list them here so I can at least get them out of my head for a little bit.
I’m angry because I didn’t work on any art today.
Because my left hand smells like onions since yesterday.
Because it’s September and still hot like summer.
Because I can’t get this anger out.
I’m angry because I don’t know if this is real anger or side effects from the Lupron Depot injections.
I’m angry because there are so many dishes and no dishwasher soap.
Because anything I want to eat in this house requires me to cook it.
Because I am cooped up in this house because there is no eras on for me to leave it. My art isn’t exactly portable and no one wants to hear a consistent pop pop pop of Braille at the library. Because it takes half an hour to an hour to get anywhere by bus plus that coming back that I may as well stay home.
I’m angry that I don’t have all the ingredients to make anything from my cookbooks and can’t get them.
I’m angry that I’m no longer bringing home a paycheck which turns out to be precisely what we used for anything more than bills.
I’m angry that I cry when I’m angry.
I hate putting drops in my eyes four times a day because they sting and I’m feeling very controlled by the scheduling of them.
I’m angry that mosquitoes are still biting me.
I’m angry that I feel like I can’t say anything negative because I don’t want to bring anyone else down even though I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
I’m angry that my hair is getting long and I can’t afford a hair cut, or color so I’m stuck with mostly my natural hair color and a tacky severely faded pink.
I’m angry that I keep snapping at my husband when he’s trying to say anything to me and that I’m making an awkward and uncomfortable environment for him.
I’m angry that I feel inferior to most people around me due to education level and monetary status.
I’m angry at my laziness.
I’m angry at the voice in my head that tells me to get over myself using the voices of people I know.
I’m angry that the font size on the main screen of my kindle can’t be changed so I have a hard time reading it.
On any other day I find it cute but today I’m angry that my cats find it necessary to be in the same room as me.
I’m angry at he sun and how bright it is.
I’m angry at my 12 years of neglecting art and therefore am without those 12 years of practice.
I’m angry with myself for not being able to cope with the little things.
That seemed to at least have eased the giant knot of black anger in my chest but it’s still there. Little by little it should go away. Or my hopes are it will have pissed off by the morning.
Tags: beer, creativity, Dreams
The other day I woke from the strangest dream.
(I know where some of the imagery came from, I’ll explain some afterwards).
I was watching a music video, as if I was part of the crew creating it. It was the crazy haired kids of One Direction from the UK. It was set in the forest for some reason. The lady they were all singing to was Reese Witherspoon. You know, someone almost old enough to be their mom. But they helped her walk down the stairs (I know it was in the woods but there was a giant set of glamorous stairs. It’s a dream, go with it.) Then a very strange thing occurred. All of the boys were holding haystack shaped things in their hands that looked like they were made of terrycloth. They were about the size of their torsos. Oh, did I mention that each small haystack had Reese Witherspoon’s face on it, smiling and being generally charming. It makes me shudder to think about it.
Then, while still holding the haystacks they were moving through the woods and me on my director’s rails going along with the scene. Then suddenly there were smatterings of angel statues all over the woods. Arms wide open reaching for the boys with their haystacks.
I was scared.
Then the woods opened up to a cavern with a lake at the bottom. As we got to the cliff edge I noticed there were many dinosaur shapes everywhere. They were giant statues made of flowers.
I then zoomed in to the bottom of the cavern by the lake where someone was telling me about one of the creatures. He was warning me because if I sprayed him with something, (which I proceeded to do,) which showed red under special light, the creature would get spooked and get away. Which he did. By the way, it was a dachshund/tiger/lizard that slithered away like a snake by lifting his little legs off the ground.
It obviously triggered some ‘okay, no more’ button in my brain and I woke up.
Okay, that was a crazy defragging for sure.
Creatures made of flowers: Robert emailed me pics of parade floats of giant animals made of flowers.
One Direction: I checked in the new issue of Bop magazine at the library and they were on the front cover.
Reese Witherspoon’s face on haystacks: Cassandra from Dr. Who
Angel statues: Weeping Angels from Dr. Who
Tigers: Watched a DVD about big cats the other day.
Onto another subject.
I have tremendous joy whenever I get to make something out of whatever I can get my hands on.
One example, when my sister was Lulu from Final Fantasy X for my wedding, I made her hair pieces out if my random craft things and they turned out great.
One part of my job I really enjoy is repackaging. ( I don’t like that we have to do this but stuff happens.) I like to take time and care with what I do. I don’t want to make a quick fix. I like to make things look new.
An example would be a Sesame Street Playaway View that was returned sans cover. It was our only copy so I couldn’t just get another one to make a photocopy of it. Onto the Google! Nothing.
I could only find an image of the playaway itself. So, I took another Sesame Street cover and copied it. On to Microsoft Publisher!
With that picture I found of the playaway and other fun editing that took a few hours over a couple of days, I ended up with the final product.
I even found the instructions for the inside.
Guys, it might seem silly but I’m super proud. I think that no one will notice it’s not the real packaging. That is the best.
Now, the last thing. I have been watching copious amounts of My Drunk Kitchen and I’m enjoying it immensely. I keep being wowed by her ability to open a can of beer while holding it with one hand. Two of my friends (during #TableTopDay) tried it and were successful. I failed.
I tried again today and I succeeded on my second one!
Have a good week everyone!