The Little Things Add UpSeptember 20, 2014 at 4:54 PM | Posted in Blah Blah Blah, Despair | 3 Comments
Tags: anger, coping, frustration
Today is an angry day. I’m angry at everything. I’m so angry that I can’t physically speak about why I am angry. So I will list them here so I can at least get them out of my head for a little bit.
I’m angry because I didn’t work on any art today.
Because my left hand smells like onions since yesterday.
Because it’s September and still hot like summer.
Because I can’t get this anger out.
I’m angry because I don’t know if this is real anger or side effects from the Lupron Depot injections.
I’m angry because there are so many dishes and no dishwasher soap.
Because anything I want to eat in this house requires me to cook it.
Because I am cooped up in this house because there is no eras on for me to leave it. My art isn’t exactly portable and no one wants to hear a consistent pop pop pop of Braille at the library. Because it takes half an hour to an hour to get anywhere by bus plus that coming back that I may as well stay home.
I’m angry that I don’t have all the ingredients to make anything from my cookbooks and can’t get them.
I’m angry that I’m no longer bringing home a paycheck which turns out to be precisely what we used for anything more than bills.
I’m angry that I cry when I’m angry.
I hate putting drops in my eyes four times a day because they sting and I’m feeling very controlled by the scheduling of them.
I’m angry that mosquitoes are still biting me.
I’m angry that I feel like I can’t say anything negative because I don’t want to bring anyone else down even though I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
I’m angry that my hair is getting long and I can’t afford a hair cut, or color so I’m stuck with mostly my natural hair color and a tacky severely faded pink.
I’m angry that I keep snapping at my husband when he’s trying to say anything to me and that I’m making an awkward and uncomfortable environment for him.
I’m angry that I feel inferior to most people around me due to education level and monetary status.
I’m angry at my laziness.
I’m angry at the voice in my head that tells me to get over myself using the voices of people I know.
I’m angry that the font size on the main screen of my kindle can’t be changed so I have a hard time reading it.
On any other day I find it cute but today I’m angry that my cats find it necessary to be in the same room as me.
I’m angry at he sun and how bright it is.
I’m angry at my 12 years of neglecting art and therefore am without those 12 years of practice.
I’m angry with myself for not being able to cope with the little things.
That seemed to at least have eased the giant knot of black anger in my chest but it’s still there. Little by little it should go away. Or my hopes are it will have pissed off by the morning.