The Little Things Add Up

September 20, 2014 at 4:54 PM | Posted in Blah Blah Blah, Despair | 3 Comments
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Today is an angry day. I’m angry at everything. I’m so angry that I can’t physically speak about why I am angry. So I will list them here so I can at least get them out of my head for a little bit.
I’m angry because I didn’t work on any art today.
Because my left hand smells like onions since yesterday.
Because it’s September and still hot like summer.
Because I can’t get this anger out.
I’m angry because I don’t know if this is real anger or side effects from the Lupron Depot injections.
I’m angry because there are so many dishes and no dishwasher soap.
Because anything I want to eat in this house requires me to cook it.
Because I am cooped up in this house because there is no eras on for me to leave it. My art isn’t exactly portable and no one wants to hear a consistent pop pop pop of Braille at the library. Because it takes half an hour to an hour to get anywhere by bus plus that coming back that I may as well stay home.
I’m angry that I don’t have all the ingredients to make anything from my cookbooks and can’t get them.
I’m angry that I’m no longer bringing home a paycheck which turns out to be precisely what we used for anything more than bills.
I’m angry that I cry when I’m angry.
I hate putting drops in my eyes four times a day because they sting and I’m feeling very controlled by the scheduling of them.
I’m angry that mosquitoes are still biting me.
I’m angry that I feel like I can’t say anything negative because I don’t want to bring anyone else down even though I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
I’m angry that my hair is getting long and I can’t afford a hair cut, or color so I’m stuck with mostly my natural hair color and a tacky severely faded pink.
I’m angry that I keep snapping at my husband when he’s trying to say anything to me and that I’m making an awkward and uncomfortable environment for him.
I’m angry that I feel inferior to most people around me due to education level and monetary status.
I’m angry at my laziness.
I’m angry at the voice in my head that tells me to get over myself using the voices of people I know.
I’m angry that the font size on the main screen of my kindle can’t be changed so I have a hard time reading it.
On any other day I find it cute but today I’m angry that my cats find it necessary to be in the same room as me.
I’m angry at he sun and how bright it is.
I’m angry at my 12 years of neglecting art and therefore am without those 12 years of practice.
I’m angry with myself for not being able to cope with the little things.

That seemed to at least have eased the giant knot of black anger in my chest but it’s still there. Little by little it should go away. Or my hopes are it will have pissed off by the morning.

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3 Comments »

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  1. After reading this i knew i had to say something.
    You’re upset over your vision loss and that is expected and acceptable. What’s not okay is thinking that is no hope for you.
    I was born visually impaired but always had really good vision. When i was 13 i had a surgery that took away a lot of my vision. Of course that was not the goal of the surgery, i would’ve lost more vision had my doctors chose to let things be. I went through all of the same feelings you have now.
    There may be no cure for your vision loss, but it is manageable.
    Look up the NFB (national federation of the blind) and get involved. I am 100% sure they can help you. You need some support and training so you can get your life back, so you can get a job!
    My grandparents, mother, aunt, several cousins and siblings, and myself are all blind and we all have or have had jobs amd/or been to college.
    The possibilities of what you can do are endless, and i promise you, loosing your vision is not the end of the world!
    I just happened to come accross this blog. I don’t have a wordpress account so i’m not sure how this works, but i’m going to leave my email below and if you are able to see it i would hope you would email me. If i never hear from you again, or come accross another blog of yours, i truly do wish you the best of luck.

    • Thank you for your comment. A chapter just started in my town of NFB and I’ve met a few people. I’m looking forward to my first chapter meeting this month. I know I need help for sure, and not everyday is as bad as this one was.
      Thank you again for your kind words!

  2. Anger anger anger. I walk around seething with it almost on a daily basis. I’m angry at so many things, just like you. We have some overlap, but I’d add that PEOPLE are the worst trigger for me in general. I don’t mean people I know directly; friends, family etc. I’m talking about all the random people we can meet in a day, be it the cashier at the grocery store, the attendant in the subway wicket booth, kids throwing a ball in the middle of a sidewalk we already have trouble navigating. Doctors, teachers, bosses, taxi drivers, homeless folk, ANYONE, really. For the vast majority, I ask myself “where are the GOOD people?” Where is a good samaritan? Actually, WHY do we need a good samaritan, when we should have people who are just plain-out kind, empathetic, and caring, as opposed to just ‘doing a good deed’ at that one given moment?

    I always say to my disabled bff (interesting we should become friends before realizing we are both multiply-disabled), ‘And people wonder why we prefer to just stay home all day.’ I would honestly rather deal with anger toward a counter that nicked me in the hip, or a table that stubbed my toe because I didn’t see them; than the anger I feel towards ‘those people out there’ who go about their daily lives, selfishly believing they are truly the only being on this planet.

    That said, I see you. Well, “see” you, oh, you know what I mean lol. I see others like us too. We exist and we’re angry and we should be expected to be angry and not told to pipe down because it embarrasses ‘normal’ people.

    Of the same ilk, my bff once had a particularly trying day and bought take-out french fries as a snack for home. She sat down in front of the computer where she could finally REST, opened the bag of fries and realized she’d forgotten the ketchup in the other room. She started crying her eyes out, begging her cat to please bring her the necessary condiment. It was hilarious when we discussed it afterward, but such a terrible moment of ‘why me’ as it was happening to her. Little things like that are what angers us too.


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