River of Thoughts

February 11, 2013 at 9:04 PM | Posted in Preposterous Ponderance | 1 Comment
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I’m into day two of camping on my couch while I try to get over this wonderful head cold.

Right now I am being held down by my sleeping cat, so I couldn’t get up even if I wanted.

I once again got to witness a rocket go up live online today. It was taking up the new Landsat. Learn more about it at Nasa.gov .

Last week my husband was ill (with something different than what I have, of course,) and so I had to take the bus to work for a couple of days. The bus stop isn’t too far away from my house but it was before the dawn so it was very dark. I used a flashlight like a cane to help me along the way. The first morning wasn’t too bad, I was prepared for it. I had a great view of the crescent moon through the trees at the bus stop:

Lovely view through the trees.

Lovely view through the trees. Sorry about the blurry phone pic.

The second day I had to go I was a wreck. I had taken out the garbage to the curb and was near panic mode. It was extremely dark and I started to get scared as I was carrying the bins down our steep driveway. The darkness shocked me. I apparently was not prepared mentally that morning. The walk to the bus stop was filled with anxiety. I did however have another great view of the crescent moon in a slightly different part of the trees.

Through a filigree of branches.

Through a filigree of branches.

Later that evening after setting out a plan to stay later downtown to buy eggs and having to change my bus schedule I had a break down. While about to fix some eggs for my sick spouse I managed to drop all but one of the carton onto the floor. I was undone. I started yelling and berating myself. I got so worked up I couldn’t breathe and was in mild hysterics while trying to clean up the shattered eggs. (Really, who isn’t annoyed with cleaning up eggs!) I was also angry at myself for this reaction. It was only eggs.

But it wasn’t only eggs. It was every last little thing that has been bottling up for a while. It was unkind words from a coworker, it was the darkness frightening me, it was a sick husband I couldn’t drive to the doctor if needed, it was the bus system, it was a cat who scratches at the wall to wake me up, it was unanswered letters, it was some stupid broken eggs.

Everything has a higher level of frustration for me now, and I need to allow myself moments of release. I need to not bottle it up. Sometimes, I just need to get over myself. Sometimes, I need to take better care of myself.

I went to my retina specialist this past week and things are looking well maintained. The medication is keeping the macular edema under control.  With new pictures we were able to see that the pigmentation has not spread to the middle of my retina yet, so that’s a great thing.

To be quite honest, some times I wish it would get worse faster. I’m stuck in a middle gray area. I’m not legally blind, or blind enough to be recognized as such. I’m also not sighted enough to get through the world like other sighted people. It feels so easy to despair and whine about my situation. Misery is a comfortable and familiar place for me.

Happiness and appreciation for my life is a difficult thing to achieve. It seems like a foreign concept that is unattainable. It takes a lot of work to be happy.

How can you accept happiness when there is so much to be sad about? The bad things in my life are not little things that are easily ignored, so when I try to be happy about what I do have I feel I am leaving a large part of myself out of the equation.

I never have a moments peace in my head. There is always conflict. If I’m not finding fault with one thing, it is with another thing.

In a way I have brought this on myself. I had decided from an early age that I would not be a follower, a sheep  with wool over her eyes. I didn’t want to follow religion blindly with out researching what the world had to offer. I didn’t want to be the “typical” woman, hair always done in the same boring way, make-up perfectly painted, dress fashionably for my age. I didn’t want to be subservient. (Just ask my folks how much back-talking and fighting I did over the years.)

I wanted to be Cindy Lauper, Christa McAuliffe, Sally Ride, Tasha Yar from Star Trek: TNG, Denise from the Cosby Show, Frida Kahlo, Georgia O’Keefe, Tank Girl, Annie Oakley, even all the way back to an Allosaurus.

I wanted to be me. I wanted to be everything. I had a list a mile long of what I wanted to do when I grew up. I could never decide. Mainly because I wanted to do it all. I still want to do it all. A little here, a little there. I could never devote my brain and time to one specific thing as that would take to much away from everything else in the world. So my mind has always been at conflict with itself.

The inability to be happy comes along with it. I wish I could be happy with everything the way it is right now, because I know it won’t be forever and I’ll get to do something new all the time. I just don’t see it that way. I see it as I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be happy with the now, because it is not the what could have been or what might be tomorrow.

It is really not a healthy way to live.

I know I need to change this thought process (I’m a work-in-progress, a year and a bit of therapy is slowly working.)

It’s as difficult as trying to stay on a diet. It’s easy to give up.


1 Comment »

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  1. Keep working on it, a lot of people are not “happy” in the same way, you need to find “your” way to be happy, not someone else’s. Love you muchly, MamaRo

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