I have an excellent idea, let’s change the subject.

September 26, 2010 at 6:51 AM | Posted in EYE believe | 2 Comments
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I am not looking forward to the next couple of months. I have two online classes plus my braille correspondence and now we are going to be moving. So, packing boxes will be added to the mix. We’re staying in the area, we just would like to be in a different area of town and away from the noisy people here. Whether it is into another apartment or a house of our very own remains to be seen.

I dislike packing. I love unpacking though. That means I get to arrange things in a new way. Packing just makes me go through everything and realize how much junk we have.

I am also having a rough time emotionally with feeling like a burden to family and friends. I feel outside of so many worlds. I am lost in a fog and it seems I am to stay here a while.  I am not as well-sighted as my friends and family so I have to rely on them to help me make sure I don’t fall over something and land on my face. However, I am not disabled enough to be called blind. I can see what I believe is a large portion of the world. The sky still seems vast and all-encompassing when I look up. The road is still there ahead when I’m in a car. With my right eye the lines are still defined, I can still see objects and recognize them for what they are because they look no different.

The little things are my downfall. I can be taken out by a glass on the floor, a chair sticking out further than normal, a stair whose color is so uniform in low-light to the next stair. If I use only my left eye then it is like looking into a watercolor painting. No defining lines, fuzzy bright colors, and the world is full of blob-shaped things (that’s with my glasses on). I stopped driving because the pedestrians are wily and you never know when they will jump out at you. I am quite certain if I ever caused a person harm merely because I was stubborn and in denial about my vision loss I would never be sane again. I would fall apart and cry forever.

I can see so much, but not enough to get along smoothly in society. I have lost so much vision, but not enough to be assisted by government in any way.

I know I am retreating from the world a little. I am more afraid of things, and so uncertain of myself and my abilities. I already felt lumbering and ungainly due to my height and weight and now the vision loss has added to my dangerous clumsiness. My already low-self esteem has been sitting on my shoulder pointing out all the terrible things about myself and what I do.  I feel foolish for having such an unhealthy attitude. I will never get along in this world and be happy if I can’t find a way to snap out of it. Then the voice of doubt takes over and points out how foolish I look being so big and cumbersome yet meek like a frightened little mouse at every noise, stare and whisper.

I think this move will help with a lot of this. Something as simple as being on the bus line will help immensely. I will have more freedom instead of feeling like an old hermit.

On a nicer note, I actually had a pleasant visit at the retina specialist. The wait of course was not that wonderful but he actually did a longer examination. The news was not so happy but it felt nice to be worth the longer examination. It is not a wonderful thing to feel like they are being dismissive with you because there is not much they can do. He wants me to go to a glaucoma specialist. My pressures were way up, around 25 each (anything higher than 21 is not good.) This has been the main attack plan for the retina specialist, keeping my pressures down so I wouldn’t get glaucoma. I’m not sure if I am getting this because of the RP or because of the injections I had in my eyes as it did say glaucoma might be a side-effect.

Hooray.

I think I need to start meditating each day to combat the anger, frustration, despair and fear that keeps trying to consume me. If I can focus those thoughts out of my body and mind instead of harboring them, I might be a happier person to come home to. (I’m quite certain my husband is very sick of coming home to a grumpy face everyday.)

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2 Comments »

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  1. I think the idea of meditating is excellent, I should as well. Let me know if you find a good source for how to ideas. I’m so pleased about the idea you will be on a bus line, yeah yeah yeah. Now you must get out a little and see people (like I have room to talk,lol) Love you and glad to see the retina guy is coming up with ideas of things to be done. Keep writing and give me a heads up when you add, you know I never can keep up with things.

  2. I am so sorry to hear that you are not doing well. Depression is… hard. The only thing I have ever been able to do to kick myself out of a funk is focus on being proactive about whatever thing is making me feel powerless, not that I have ever had the type of difficulties you are dealing with. It sounds like you are taking some steps to battle back the demon of powerlessness. Learning Braille is powerful, finding ways to help you be more mobile is powerful, embracing the beauty that you can still see is powerful. You keep fighting, as I know you will. Keep looking for ways to empower yourself, you are an awe inspiring lady. I always have thought so.


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