I do this often, I don’t budget my time correctly and I end up making things in a whirlwind of sleeplessness and a temper with a short fuse. I snap at everyone who tries to help. For some reason I see it as a person who doesn’t think I can do it myself and out I lash.

I then sit and worry and think on what I need to be doing and when I should be doing it. Scheduling myself to insanity.

I had a wonderful moment where now I can breathe and I have calmed down. Thanks to a wonderful co-dependent cat. Last night I went to sleep with her curled up right next to my head and this morning she curled up on my torso when I laid back down after a shower. Her purrs reminded me what is really important. I often get reminded how lucky I am in life. I had a husband sleeping peacefully next to me and a cat purring and cuddling with me.

There’s no reason to worry about these things. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get everything done. Things will get done if I am less stressed. Mistakes won’t be made as much if I have a head filled with less rage. I enjoy sewing and making new things so I should enjoy the process not stress over it and make myself more upset.

I know I was already doing a bit better because I actually accepted help from my Mother to pin and get things started while I’m at work today. This is a good thing. It’s not so important that I am the sole maker of items. It’s more important that fun was had during the process. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Have a good day, every one. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I also suggest not sweating the big stuff as well. You’ll be happier in the long run!

I have a very hard time seeing things right in front of me and also things far away. If I know there is a pole or wall in a certain spot I am able to use muscle memory to avoid them. If I am unfamiliar with the location of these items or the territory itself is new and/or different I will walk into these things. I will bump my cart into people, I will walk into signs, I will hit my shoulder/hip/foot/arm on any number of objects.

I still am not legally blind.

I recently have been thinking about getting that tell-tale sign of vision-loss: the white cane. Just for the times I am not confident of my surroundings. Whether a night out with friends, or visiting a new city, or even getting used to a new job, I thought this would be helpful. I’ve been doing some internet searches on people’s opinions of when it is time to get that white cane of freedom and safety. Almost every one of the stories I read were from people who are legally blind. I happened upon a thread that mentioned the law and to check local laws about use of a white cane.

I did this for my state. Apparently in Nebraska it is a Class III Misdemeanor to use a white cane if you are not legally blind.

Here is the website to read the statute: Click me

If I get a typical white cane I will roam the streets in fear knowing at any moment I could be taken down by a vicious hoard of swat teams.

I may just get a regular cane, or use my golf umbrella, or better yet I can get a big walking staff like Gandalf.

Today is the Winter Solstice and I’m not spending it the way I would have liked. I’ll get my petty whines out of the way. I’m sick with some sort of head cold that’s lasting longer than my immune system normally allows. I think after not working for so long and being practically a hermit and suddenly I’m back out in the germ-full masses has brought me to this place of illness. Yay for a head full of mucus and a neck too tired to support the weight. I didn’t go to work for two days and I dragged my behind in today which was a bit of a mistake. I ran out of tissues during the day and was stuck with those horrible brown paper towels that you swear is just recycled sandpaper.

Okay, now that lovely whining is over, I can move onto happier things. I’m really enjoying the season (I could use some more snow however. I’m looking at you dry air and high pressure systems. No one invited you!) I have our little tree out, only 3 ornaments are hanging on it for two reasons: I was too lazy to put out more; we have a cat and the tree is on the coffee table. I’ve strung some very pretty lights up on the bookcases and wall and I’m thinking I may leave them up year round. Strings of lights make me gleeful!

There are pretty packages under the tree and a few more will go under it with each day. Even though the three of us here are different religions (I am Wiccan, husband is agnostic, and Mom is Christian) we will still celebrate on the 25th. Mainly because that is the time off we get from our jobs and schools.  I did have us open a gift each last night in honor of the Solstice.

The important thing about these holidays, no matter the religion or when you celebrate, its about celebrating each other and that we are all the same in the end. We are all humans, we are all of the Earth.

So, I hope you have a lovely holiday season surrounded by those you love and know that even if you are alone you are loved. We’re all connected, so you’re never truly alone.

It’s nice to feel helpful in my family again. I can bring home some money and contribute to the bills. I can also provide for myself things I need that I have been putting off that I thought I couldn’t or didn’t have the right to because of my lack of contribution. I’m not surprised how women used to feel invalid and not a huge voice in the family back in the day. Yes, it’s family money but if you didn’t earn it yourself it feels weird putting any claim to it.

My eyes are not being too big a problem in the new job, thankfully. When I started there was a lot of me kicking recycling bins next to desks while I was getting used to the layout of my work area. I just needed to get the muscle memory of how many steps I needed to get to where I was going. (I don’t memorize how many steps I need, it just is a natural restriction on my body as it learns the layout.)

I do have to be extra vigilant when I am shelving because I shelve a lot in the children’s section. Pushing a big cart of books I have to be careful of not running into the little tykes.

I do swear that every book I have to shelve or find is on the bottom two shelves so the amount of squats I do every workday is astounding. Squats are my most hated exercise of all time. Now I get paid to do them. Sometimes I just sit on the floor because it is easier. Those picture books are killers! There’s so many of them! We don’t even keep all we have out all the time, either. During the Summer, yes, for the reading program. I am not looking forward to that shelving situation.

Once a week I work in a different department where I get to label and sometimes cover books and media. I look forward to this day all week. I put spine labels on, security tags, genre stickers, letters if needed and if the book has a dust jacket I put a cover on it. I really enjoy preparing the books to go out on the shelves for the first time.

Another thing I am getting to experience in the ‘getting out in the world by myself ‘ is two of the four days a week I work I take the bus to get there. It feels good to not have to depend on anyone but myself to get to work on time. Now that the bus anxiety is over I have the confidence to get to where I need to go.  The anxiety was over the unknown aspect of this bus system. I found that it was the same as the bus system I used back in Wisconsin but the unknown frightens the heck out of me. I also don’t like looking clueless in front of other people as I try to figure out something new to me.  Now, I was able to take the bus on a day off to get to the dentist.

On another good note my eyes are apparently getting better. Well, the disease isn’t but the fluid build-up in the back of my retina is getting better thanks to the medicine I’m using. The peripheral is still gone but I do feel a little less closed off to the world because of the improvement. I still have my bad days of course, but much more infrequently and that is pretty fantastic.

Oh, before I go, I just want to point out something to coffee/Starbucks lovers. this months new gift card has Starbucks written out in braille. It’s actual bumps on the card. It’s a pretty design and I suggest getting it for yourself or for someone else as a gift. Support braille!

Anyway, have a nice Autumn day! (Spring if you are in the Southern Hemisphere!)

—Yay for the first stuffed acorn squash of the season!—

After my most recent therapy session I had a very large burden removed from my shoulders and I feel amazing. It took someone else to help me realize I am allowed to make the choice to be happy. I am in control of my own happiness. I was overly punishing myself for a past sin. I made it so I could never be happy because I didn’t think I deserved to be for my one big mistake. My human mistake. I have overly atoned for it. That is not to say I am completely over it and can forget it completely. I just need to realize that sin does not make me who I am.

This weekend I found myself not feeling ashamed for being happy and enjoying myself. I didn’t feel like hiding from the world. This was my time.

My actual birthday (Friday) I ran errands with my husband (who took a vacation day for me) and my Mom. We went to the library, picked out some books. Then on to a bakery a friend used to work at and brought delicious goodies for us. I bought a giant cake (that took a while to finish and every piece was difficult to finish because there was so much and it was so decadent!) Then onwards to the grocery store to pick up pizzas freshly made to be baked later and they happened to have a special on frappucinos at the coffee shop. Yay! Half off? Yes, please! Both my sister and Dad called during the day to wish me a happy birthday. Then a trip to a bookstore where I got more books and some new speakers for my mp3 player. The evening was really fun. Friends, Dr. Who and lots of food. It was a great night.

The next day my husband and I went to the Goodwill and I actually found jeans that fit, TWO pair. I of course purchased them! That’s a rare find for someone of my size. We also had checked out a gaming store near us and found a great tee shirt with Daleks on it for our friend. We also went to the Goodwill’s electronics store and it was like going into a computer museum! I took a nap when we got home because the first Goodwill store has poor lighting for my eyes and they were really tired. I was a little nauseous from it. Later that evening my old boss from the flower shop in Wyoming and her husband and baby had come into town so we went out to dinner. It took a while to get a table but we were trying to eat down in Old Market and it gets busy there on a Saturday night. It was a lovely meal with good conversation and the most laid back baby I have ever seen. She was simply adorable. She is 11 months old and already has a fake smile and fake laugh to deal with the world. I love it! We then went to an ice cream shop and enjoyed some more good conversation.

Sunday morning my husband and I watched an episode of True Blood and then I had to get ready.  A friend of mine and I went and saw Wicked. It was amazing. It was my first time seeing it, I had read the book but it was very different. The songs were great, the acting was great and the sets were gorgeous! So many sparkles on Glinda’s dress! The theatre (yes spellcheck tells me to say theater but I lived in England and I like to spell some things their way!) was a little difficult to navigate because it is so lowly lit for some reason. I made my way up and down stairs without tripping so I say it was a win! Afterwards the friend hung out at our place while we made characters for various role-playing games we are in while watching Mythbusters.

Monday was a laid back day. My husband and I sat on the couch in the morning and read books  which was a rare treat seeing as he normally is at work on a Monday. We did go to our friend’s apartment to continue character creation (and watch Moulin Rouge), but just for a few hours. We came home, I mad dinner and we watched a movie. Another nice evening.

I felt energized by this weekend. I want to thank everyone that made its awesomeness happen! I may be limited of vision but there is no limit as to how happy I can be and am allowed to be.

Aujourd’hui, c’est mon anniversaire! J’ai trente-et-un ans!

Today is my birthday! I am 31!

(I would put Welsh but I can’t hardly remember anything and I don’t trust Google translate on this language.)

P.S. I got an A in my Japanese class.

The nori (seaweed) wrapped ones have okaka in them which is shaved bonito flakes moistened with soy sauce. It sounds weird but it’s great! The others that are wrapped individually have no filling but have sesame seeds and salt on the outside. They are wrapped because they will stick together more then the ones wrapped in nori will.

There was a lovely storm that just went through here, it wasn’t severe but there was some nice rumbles of thunder. We should be getting some more this evening right around when my class should be done. I just hope those in Joplin, MO won’t get hit again today. They certainly don’t need it. Let’s hope they aren’t like Yazoo City, MS last year!

Anyway, back to studying.

日本語を勉強します！頑張ります！(●´∀｀●)

]]> http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/2-in-2-days/feed/ 0 bekochan Onigiri http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/line-starts-here/ http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/line-starts-here/#comments Mon, 23 May 2011 21:33:06 +0000 bekochan http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/?p=219 ]]> Today, my Mother and I had the fun joy of getting new plates for her van. We went to one location but had to be directed to a different location to have the car inspection. It was sad because there was pretty much no one at the first location. After the inspection we stood in line for a long time. I’m not sure how long, maybe half an hour to an hour. The line was always to the door no matter how far forward we progressed. There was a bounty hunter behind us in line. He looked the part. Bandanna on his head, sunglasses on all the time, black vest with pockets full of necessary tools, badge hanging around his neck. Seemed like a nice fellow for how intimidating he looked.

Something nice happened as well, there is some hope for the youth in this world. A young man let the elderly couple behind him go first when it was his turn. If only we could see more of that every day.

A temporary end of the line is occurring tomorrow night. My last Japanese class for a while. I am sad because I really enjoy the class and I’m learning an immense amount. I am afraid I’ll not retain as much as I want. Guess I’ll just have to practice a lot more often once the class is over. I am looking forward to getting back into the Braille lessons. I haven’t touched it for a while and I feel a bit disappointed in myself for neglecting it. Language classes are quite consuming!

I have a nice to do list for the Summer for myself. I hope to have a lot of art projects finished. There’s lots of sewing projects I need to finish as well.

I have made a big step forward in freeing myself from comparing and opportunities for jealousy and depression by finally getting rid of my facebook account. I regret the loss of some connections and their updates but there was too many things  that were consuming my time and making me feel inadequate in my own life. I need to find the value in myself and my life before I can fully rejoice for others without envy tainting the sentiment. It’s basically the same way I have to deal with junk food, if I don’t have it in my home then I won’t eat any. If the temptation isn’t there I can’t falter. Someday I will have the tools to be able to have the self control necessary, but until that day the temptation had to be removed.

My daily Internet check is SUPER short now.

And now for your viewing pleasure, my cat Hope really wants to go outside.

]]> http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/line-starts-here/feed/ 0 bekochan http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/finally-i-have-new-pictures/ http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/finally-i-have-new-pictures/#comments Tue, 22 Mar 2011 05:39:39 +0000 bekochan http://imnotblindyet.wordpress.com/?p=204 ]]> The other day was rather nice and I finally decided to start exploring my new neighborhood. Granted I have to admit I used Google maps to see if there was anything interesting as I know most of what’s around me is apartments and businesses. I found a park and decided to see how long it would take me to get there. (I am sad that there is no lake near me like the last apartment, however.)

This little park is surrounded by houses and a couple of streets but it seems like this little breath of wonderful. It isn’t anything monumental but the trees are quite the characters all gathered around the tiny stream. I’m looking forward to further into Spring to see this place greened up. Right now it made me step back into Autumn for a while.

The canopy on this place will be amazing in full foliage!

Like I said, tiny creek.

I really love that little rock in the middle. It’s a silent beauty.

It’s nice to see some older trees. I say older because I had lived in a fairly newer area of town so most trees were little or in people’s backyards.

There are so many pictures I want to post here, but that could make it difficult for this page to load for you. I will only put a few more, I think. Tough to choose them, though!

I have a serious love for curves cut out like this by streams and rivers. I don’t know why, I just know I love them and get quite gleeful when  I see one.

In the curve was this beauty. I’m not sure if the earth is eroding around him or if he’s trying to break free and walk.

I have to show this lovely lady off. She looks like she may have been struck by lightning at some point causing a branch to have been removed. She is so haggard and looks like she has been through a lot.

The trees were beautiful and I can’t wait to see them all greened up.

I highly advise everyone to go find some little park they didn’t think about before and check it out. There will be some neat characters there, too!

Not every day is wonderful.

I almost want to leave it at that last sentence. I can look at those 5 simple words and contemplate how everything is fully described by them.

Not every moment is wonderful.

Sometimes I can be happily going about my business; making dinner, reading a book, or even just walking, when I am hit by a wall. Realization of how difficult these things are to me now and how much I am straining. I have to stop in my tracks and take a breath. I have moments (such like right now) where my eyes fill up threatening a torrent of tears. This usually makes things worse as it blurs the already spotty view.

The despair, the fear, the loss is always on the tip of my heart and I feel it may go over the edge at any moment.

I want to go into a whiny rant about everything that I despair about, everything I fear in this world, and everything I am losing. I just don’t have the energy for it. I don’t have the energy for the sorrow or for the pity.

I just want to say that everyday is not sunshine and fluffy bunnies.

However, these dark clouds can be a comfort.

Plus, how else can I enjoy the good days if I don’t know the bad?